Sunday, April 29, 2012

Please look at my heart: Dealing with anger in the Foster Child


Walking to school, dreading every step, wishing to be going anywhere else;  fully knowing that this day was going to be filled with teachers looking down their noses at you for not completing your homework, or even attempting to get it done.  You start counting the cracks in the sidewalk desperately trying to think about something else so you wouldn’t have to think about what was ahead--even reciting stupid rhymes, “step on a crack, you break your mother’s back.”

You're dreading the math teacher who loved to make an example out of the poor student that didn’t have their work done, or hadn’t done the work right.  For sure this was going to be a difficult day to get through.  The homework given the day before wasn’t even looked at…

As the day progressed and each teacher showed their disgust, handing back papers with big red “Fs” on them, anger was brewing in every part of your being.  It’s all been said before, being called a loser, or lazy, emphasizing on everything that was wrong about you, never finding any good--this was just an everyday occurrence.  And you still had to face the math teacher who roared like a lion over a fresh kill.

Then the other children would single you out because you’re different and appear vulnerable.  The verbal bullying and taunts were sometimes harder to cope with than the physical bullying that happened.  Children would come up behind and spit on you, kicking and punching; and of course the laughter and ridicule that accompanied their assaults compounding in your mind, giving you a feeling of absolute worthlessness.

Then you’re told by adults that you have to get your anger under control. If you would just turn the other cheek, and say nice things to those that are persecuting you it will all go away.  Don’t you know that a kind word turns away wrath?  Well, it’s kind of hard to say nice things when all that can be felt is an unquenchable anger that keeps burning you up from the inside out.

Then it’s time for math, “Homework out on your desks, I want to see who doesn’t have it done.”  As he gets closer, the fear and dread of what is about to ensue begins to be replaced with anger and a strong will to survive.  Finally he’s at your desk, nostrils flaring, spewing out words that cut through your soul, letting you and everyone else in class know just how big a loser you are.

Mr. Math Teacher, let me explain.  My father came over to our house last night; you know my parents are getting divorced, don’t you?  He had been drinking again and a terrible fight broke out between him and my mother.  It was over my sister, and the next thing I know he’s got my sister by the throat and he’s choking her.  My sister’s boyfriend tried to get him off, but he got beat up.  My mother tried to pull him off, and he threw her to the ground and started choking her.  I tried to pull him off and got slammed up against the wall.  Lucky this time my big brother was home and was able to pull him off of my mother; she wasn’t looking too good.  This went on most of the night until my grandmother and uncle got there.  Nobody got too much sleep that night, especially after my dad told us that he was going to kill us.  I did hear my sister’s boyfriend say that she wasn’t worth all this, so I don’t think he’ll be back.  Didn’t like him anyway.
 
"Take your math assignment and shove it."  As the filthy words come flowing out, everyone in the class is focused on what is being said.  All that can be seen is bad behavior, not the hurt or pain that fills the heart.  It’s definitely better to be known as a behavioral problem than being academically deficient, and being seen as someone who is incapable of doing their work.

**

This is a common story for many foster children.  Some variations in circumstances, different types of abuse, but still in every case there is this one common denominator.  Dealing with anger brought on by early childhood trauma.  Each child will handle it differently, and some children do quite well; but there will be those children that without the proper help and understanding will end up as another statistic in our penal system.
   
As a foster parent you’re going to have to educate the educators.  You’re going to have to advocate for your child when they have their behavioral outbursts, but at the same time bring the child to the understanding that their behaviors are unacceptable.  This is going to take time and may appear to be getting worse before it gets better.  Only your perseverance and willingness to help the child will bring about change and hope for that child’s future. 

Monday, April 23, 2012

Teaching a Child to Speak With Respect

Being loud doesn’t always mean you’re right.  Having been brought up in a home where expressing anger was the norm in order to manipulate others into doing what was wanted, I learned over time that this type of parenting only masked the behaviors.  More often than not, yelling never initiated change or cultivated a relationship where open communication between parent and child could flourish.

The parenting style of your childhood environment creates the tendency to transfer that style of child rearing onto the next generation, be it good or bad.  A conscious effort has to be made to create a parenting style that is more conducive to teaching the child to correct the behavior rather than just stop the behavior momentarily.

In the 1980’s, a video series, “Turn Your Heart Toward Home,” put out by James Dobson PHD., through Focus on the Family, illustrated different techniques of parenting.  He developed a technique that not only taught the parent how to parent but he stressed a “parent-run" home through strong, loving discipline and building long lasting relationships between parent and child.
  
In our home we initiated a rule that our children could say anything they wanted to say, as long as they spoke with respect.  This opened up a huge avenue for communication, as well as the opportunity to teach, or be taught.  Each child was able to express themselves, knowing that what they had to say was important, and there would be no repercussions as long as they presented their argument in a respectful manner.

Using this approach the parent has to be willing to listen intently at everything the child is saying, allowing the child the opportunity to learn how to express what’s on their heart in a controlled, secure environment.  This approach has tremendous benefits as the child comes into adulthood having learned the ability to communicate in a manner that is positive and non-abrasive.

I must also include a warning.  Using this technique, the parent may possibly find that they had been wrong in the way they approached a given circumstance.  I have found myself in a position at times where I needed to apologize and make right the bad decisions made in the heat of the circumstance.
   
This approach was introduced to my own biological children who had the grace to allow their father the chance to learn the process.  It is incredible how much I have learned from them. It thrills me to be able to stand back and watch how they parent, and their ability to work and communicate with their children.  This far surpasses what I had envisioned.
   
Although much harder to accomplish, and with more obstacles to overcome, we have used this same approach with our foster children.  The biggest obstacle is getting the child just to open up and talk.  Once they do feel secure enough to talk openly, the “respect” aspect needs to be strongly enforced. 

Remember that when the child is presenting their side of the story, the child is giving you the parent, an opportunity to teach.  Make sure that you’re respectful of the child and their feelings at all times.  If the child starts becoming disrespectful, stop them immediately.  Tell them that what they have to say is very important, but the abrasiveness of their presentation is making it hard to listen to the content.  See if the child can de-escalate, and proceed on, or if they need a little time to gather themselves so that they can proceed respectfully.
   
Continue on until there is a resolve to the issue.  Once a child has presented their story, I will ask the child if they feel that they could have handled whatever situation it was, better.  Handling it this way, the child feels that they have a little bit of a say in what goes on in their life.  Don’t become discouraged, this type of communication is going to be foreign for the foster child.  It’s foreign for most biological children.  The outcome of perseverance in this type of communication can open the door to effective communication in the child's adult years.


Monday, April 16, 2012

Where Does a Foster Child's Hope Come From?

Back in the 80’s an experiment was conducted using two groups of Norwegian Wharf Rats.  The Psychology Department at Duke University divided the rats up into two groups.  They placed the first group into a tank of water with no possible way of escape.  A spray was also attached above to keep the rats from turning over on their backs.   The rats were lowered into the tank and after approximately 16 minutes the last rat had drowned.

They continued the experiment again, but this time as each rat was about to drown, they were pulled from what was a certain death. Dried off, fed, and rejuvenated, these rats had for all intents and purposes…been rescued.

Once again the researchers did the experiment placing the same rats that had been rescued back into the tank.  But this time the rats were able to swim 36 hours before drowning.  The researchers came to the conclusion that the rats were able to last 36 hours because when they had been rescued, they had been given hope.

Once I got past the cruelty part, I came to understand that without hope there is no reason to survive. The researchers concluded that it had to be hope that caused the rats to keep swimming for over 35 hours.  They had hope that they would be rescued again.

Foster care is providing that hope.  A lifeline there for whatever time needed, insuring for the child a safe environment, in a world that is broken.  Providing hope for their future, because without hope there is not a future.

Many children brought into foster care have given up on hope.  As foster parents you will be providing the rescue for a child.  You will be the one that provides the hope.

A social worker called one day looking to see if we had room for a child on his caseload.  As the child was presented to us, it was apparent that this young man had given up.  He wasn’t functioning academically, had no friends and lashing out at everyone around him.  Every day for him was just one more day to get through.

For those that are fostering children make your time count.  Always keep in mind that you as the foster parent may only have a small window of time to make a difference.  What you do and say will have an impact, either positive or negative.  Changing the world one child at a time has incredible rewards.  It has been one of the most rewarding things that I have ever done.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Rebuilding Trust for a Foster Child

Being able to trust someone isn’t common in the world of the traumatized child. The primary caregivers that the child relies on for their very existence, are the same ones that have made the child’s life a living hell.

All too often, a child that is removed from the home of their biological parents, and placed into foster care, have already developed a wall around their heart, that is going to make bonding with that child a difficult task.

Some foster parents make the mistake of trying to smother the child with love, thinking that love is going to be the cure-all for the woes of the child. Although love is an important part of the healing of the child, consistency and follow through is what is going to be needed for the child to even begin trusting someone again. The child needs to know that the parent is going to stand fast to the boundaries that have been put in place.

These boundaries will dictate to the child that you the parent are now in control. This provides safety and security for the child and gives them an environment to rebuild trust. Understand that this process, although painstaking and slow in developing, will also be rewarding as it will make a difference in a child’s life.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Walk Your Talk

All too often children coming into care have been moved several times between foster homes, creating attachment disorders.  Each time a child is moved out of one foster home and placed into another foster home, the chances for the child to form an attachment to the foster parents becomes more difficult.

Children in foster care have been lied to so many times, and by so many different people.  Teaching the child how to trust will take time, and a considerable amount of patience.  Removing the protective wall the child has built around their heart will be intensely challenging, but also abundantly rewarding at the same time.
  
In order to accomplish this task of creating trust in a child that trusts no one, a person needs to be truthful themselves.  At all times the foster parent has to be consistent in what they say and do, modeling truth.  You have to be known as a person who without exception, Walks Their Talk.

Our Mission

We at Jeremiah House don’t feel that it can be said any better than how Jeremiah 29: 11 spells out for each of us God’s desire for a Hope and a Future and a plan for our lives. Ingrained in this plan is a blue print for living a successful life and how to prosper in our endeavors.

Our desire is for each young man that we have the privilege and the opportunity to work with, be given a chance to change their lives in a positive way. This in turn will change the lives of those around them, creating a ripple effect for generations to come.

We work to instill the concept of always doing your best at whatever task is at hand. We strive for excellence in academics, sports, work, and play, knowing that self esteem is accomplished by working hard and doing well; reaping the benefits from a job well done.

These young men are given the opportunity to rebuild their lives that have been caught up in circumstances beyond their control. This gives each young man a Hope for their Future. Without Hope there is no Future, and without the prospects for a positive/successful Future, there is no Hope.

How We Began

We had talked about Foster Care for twenty years before we actually took the steps necessary to become licensed. It always sounded like the right thing to do, but it never seemed like the right time. After moving up to the State of Washington from California we purchased a home on twenty acres that was perfect for working with children that are in foster care.

In 2003 when our last biological child had graduated from high school Nancy informed me that she didn’t like the sounds inside the house. The sounds of children no longer filled the home and she wasn’t handling the empty nest syndrome very well. We had been licensed for six months and had received no calls from social workers concerning placement. Then all of a sudden they started trickling in, but none that actually stayed for any length of time. Then we received what turned out to be our first permanent placement.

This young man was the beginning of a mission for Nancy and myself to work with young men, helping them to make the choices needed to be successful. We believe that God, through the power of the Holy Spirit directs our path working with, and mentoring the lives of those children that have been given us.

Although we had originally asked for girls between the ages of 8 - 12 years, God had different plans. We found out that we fit a niche for teenage boys, and have had the opportunity to also raise some of their siblings. In 2005 we were able to become what is known as a Special Model Foster Home, and have had up to nine children in our home at one time.

Our goals have been to help each young man that has come to live with us, graduate from high school, be men of integrity and be able to go on and either seek out a career, or go on to college. We are honored to have young men leave our home to go on to live successful lives.

Our prayer is to be able to continue doing the work that we feel God has called us to do. There is no greater joy than watching our God work miracles in the lives of these young men. Seeing lives that had no meaning become meaningful, lives that had no hope become hopeful, and lives that were withering away, blossom.