A Foster Child Cries Out: "I Want My Mama!"

Picture a young child being dropped off at a location, any location. Maybe she leaves the child in an airport terminal, bus station, maybe even a park where children go to play. Mom tells the young child to wait, that she will be back to pick him up. “Don’t go anywhere, you wait right here.” Hours go by and now people are beginning to take notice that this young child has been sitting in one spot, not moving, and when asked what he’s doing, he just states that he is waiting for his mom.

The authorities have been called. They immediately begin to question the child, trying to find out who this child is and why this child has been left unattended. Pretty soon law enforcement calls CPS who arrives on the scene and starts an investigation into what is going on and where mom has taken off too. The child is taken away from the scene crying because mom had said to wait there. The child knew that mom would surely be back to pick him up and if the he is gone, the mother wouldn’t know where he was and she would be angry because he had disobeyed and had not stayed in his seat.

Fast forward ten years and now we have a little child that has grown into a teenager in stature, but remains that little child still waiting for his mom. Numerous placements--institutions, group homes, foster homes, perspective adoptive homes-- only to end up with the same outcome of constantly being removed from each placement due to angry outbursts and physical aggression. Each time this child is moved, the ability to attach becomes more and more difficult.

The consequence of this rage is always the same--lockdown, isolation, a drug cocktail. Constantly being moved from one home to another, trying to find the perfect fit for this child, that would, at the very least, give him a home that he could possibly stay in for more than just a few months; in one case, for only seven hours.

Then a home is found, the people are incredible, the child is taken to their home for a visit to see if this could possibly be a match. These people are dedicated and want to adopt the young child, bring him to their home and make this child theirs. Whoa, wait a minute, the child thinks, I can’t be adopted. My mom is going to come back and pick me up. She promised that she would come back. If I’m adopted by these people she won’t know where I am, she won’t be able to come back for me. “I want my Mama.”

So, once again this child blows out of what could have been a good home for growth, a home that could encourage healing and wellness, to be cast back into the lockdown group home. Once again this child works through another home, another set of rules, still desperately waiting for a mother to return and pick him up, though down deep he knows she never will. The behaviors become so overwhelming that placement options are almost to the point of being non-existent; then he came to us.

Abandonment is one of the hardest things to get over or to get to a point where you can deal with it on a day to day basis. Then you have some children who grow into adults and never get over it. It has been our experience that the child that has been abandoned, no matter how abusive their situation was or how much they blame mom for not protecting them, is still waiting for mom to come back into their life to make it all right even though it was never right in the first place.

This particular young man, after being with us for a short time, began crying for his mother, “I want my mama, I want my mama.” “Sorry buddy, but the harsh reality is mom is never going to come back and pick you up,” I had to tell him. This five year old child stuck in a teenage body wailing uncontrollably, crying out “I want my mama, I want my mama.” And to each time we reiterated back to him that mama is not going to come back. As he was mourning over this and sobbing, I kept telling him that although mom was never going to come back and pick him up, he has been picked up. Nancy and I have picked him up, and he’s here now for the duration. After being allowed to properly mourn, he got up the following morning, threw his arms around Nancy, and told her, “thank you, I love you.”

Some children may never get picked up...may never find a place where they can feel at home. Some children may spend their lives searching for something they may never be able to obtain. If their own mother can leave them...the one person we would think would be obligated to love and care for them, how can they ever trust, bond, have hope? All we can do as foster parents is provide a safe environment where these children can mourn this immense loss and hopefully find some healing and sense of belonging after enduring something no child should ever endure.