Does Being Politically Correct Lend Itself To Providing Natural Consequences? Part II

If a child is lazy it is not going to hurt them to hear it from an adult or a parent who is going to make it their mission in life to teach the child how to work. I have had many children come live with us who, if you looked “lazy” up in the dictionary, you would see their picture staring back at you. With proper training and direction, laziness is curable. We have adults call up and ask for my teenage boys to come work for them, even when they have teenagers living in their own home. I had one parent tell me that they were hoping that my child’s work ethic would rub off on their child.

I am a very strong advocate for giving praise when praise is deserved or earned through a job well done. We need to stop putting our time and effort into no child being left behind and more time and effort into creating a learning environment where a child can do their best--and not what a standardized test says they should be doing. If a child gets an F on their report card and they deserve that F, that’s what they need to have. What we teach in our house is that an F has natural consequences. Privileges aren’t given because of good grades, they are taken away because of bad grades. That is the way it is in the outside world. When we do well, the natural outcome is that we are able to do more things. In contrast, when we don’t do well, our world becomes smaller around us.

Giving false praise in the attempt to hopefully redirect a child and their behavior is not only non-productive, it’s potentially damaging. A child who is told by their therapist, social worker, teachers, etc. that they’re a nice person, when in reality their behaviors are far from being nice, is being given a false sense of who they really are.

I read a booklet that was part of a parting gift, signed by all of the people in charge of or who had worked with a child who was coming to live with us, telling this child what a nice person he was and that he was going to be missed. Let me just put it out there that when this child came to live with us he put us through holy Hell. He wasn’t anywhere close to being nice, and anybody in their right mind couldn’t possibly have missed the type of behaviors this child brought with him. If they truly missed it, then perhaps they had a screw loose themselves.

In the “feel good” world we live in, they had continued to lie to him. The people that worked with this child gave him a false sense of who he was, in hopes that if they kept telling him he was a nice person enough times he would turn into that nice person, somewhat like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon. It wasn’t working with them, and it wasn’t working with us.

Now I’m not saying that you need to belittle a child by telling them that they’re bad and addressing their behaviors negatively. What I’m saying is that the parent needs to address bad behavior with the mindset that they, the parent, have an opportunity to teach and proceed accordingly. But to be “politically correct,” you’re supposed to be positive at all times, not honest. No child left behind, isn’t that the flavor now? How dare anyone tell a child that they aren’t a nice person, and what they’re doing is not acceptable.

I had a child who was starting to steal, so I arranged for him to have a guided tour through a juvenile detention center. I wanted him to know what, if he continued doing what he was doing, his next living accommodations were going to look like. God clearly has a sense of humor, because during this tour my young man saw two kids that he knew from school locked up there. One young man was in isolation and the other was in a holding cell, and had been there for over eight hours.

We need to be honest with our children. This will allow them a chance to be able to start to reflect on who they are, what they’re doing, and what they’re becoming. This young man was becoming a thief, and there needed to be something done to turn him around, and nothing to date had worked. With approximately seventy percent of children who have been in foster care ending up in the penal system, sometimes extreme measures need to be taken to bring about positive results. When nothing is done, nothing will be accomplished. At over $40,000.00 per year to house an inmate, shouldn’t we put more of our resources into our youth before they get to a point where nothing can be done?

We need to be less concerned with being “politically correct” and more concerned with teaching our children what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. They need to be taught that there are consequences for everything we do in life, both positive and negative.

I loved coaching kids. One year at try outs I chose a young man who was undesirable to other coaches, yet this child was a gifted player. I was told that in no way did I want this child on my team. He had a bad attitude and his mother was even worse. This kid had talent that was through the roof and I thought to myself, how bad can this kid be? It didn’t take long to find out. He was the mouthiest youngster I had ever had the privilege of working with. Little Donald was an equal opportunity pain in the backside, and everybody felt his wrath. In little league I only had to play him a minimum of one time at bat and two innings in the field, and that was all he played.

His mother, being African American, started spreading the rumor that her boy wasn’t playing because I was prejudice. There was another African American youngster that was playing on my oldest son’s team, and we had become good friends with his parents. When this mom voiced her concerns to this family, she was told that it was highly unlikely that I was prejudice, and that it was more than likely her youngster. Well, mom didn’t come to talk to me, Donald’s father did. This was probably for the best because he was known as a pretty nice guy.

He voiced his concerns about his boy’s playing time and what could be done to get him to play a little more. I looked at him and told him, “You take care of your kid’s attitude and I’ll take care of his playing time. I picked your child as a six inning player, but his attitude stinks.” His father was dumbfounded and replied, “You mean that if I take care of my boy’s attitude, you’ll play him more?” “That’s right,” was my response. The next day Donald showed up kind of hanging his head and told me, “Coach, I’m sorry I have a bad attitude.” A couple of games later, after this youngster made a complete transformation, Donald was up to bat and struck out on a called strike. He turned around to the umpire and started to give him a ration, when I yelled out to him, “Donald!” Donald’s immediate response was, “Sorry Mr. Umpire, I have a bad attitude.” I am sure that when his dad had a talk with him it wasn’t sugar coated, and I’m sure he got to the heart of the problem. Donald was one of my best players. The same child that nobody wanted on their team had a chance to be the best he could be, because his parent didn’t take the politically correct road to make his child feel good. He took the road that needed to be taken to bring about change. When we start raising our children to understand that their hard work and attitudes outline the course of their lives, we start raising a generation that can change the world.

Does Being Politically Correct Lend Itself To Providing Natural Consequences? (Part I)

In our “make everybody feel good” world (where most all of our children participate in team sports, school activities, and/or any other type of activity that requires hard work and self-discipline) we have been programmed as parents to offer up false praise or rewards for children that did not try their hardest or do their best.

Special events or rewards are given out to a child for doing what should be expected of them in the first place. I have talked to parents that give out monetary rewards for a child getting good grades in school. Shouldn’t good grades be the reward that the child is striving for? How and when does a child learn that the benefits that come from working hard and being known as a person that strives for excellence build strong self-esteem and a good feeling of self-worth?

Being involved with youth sports, I have seen well-meaning parents adamant over finding just the right trophy to give out to the players at the end of the season so each child could feel good about themselves. Little did these parents understand that their children could care less about the trophies or awards handed out at the end of the season; what was of concern to the youngsters on my baseball team was how much better they were hitting and catching at the end of the season than in the beginning. Each child knows where they stand on the team, who is the best player, and if there are awards given out, which child on the team deserves the award.

The children that I had the privilege of coaching just wanted to see Mom and Dad present at whatever event they were participating in, cheering them on, giving encouragement. My own children knew where we would be sitting at their events and would make it a point to look over to make sure we were there. I learned my lesson concerning this when my oldest boy pointed this out to me. We ran our own business and I had a salesman come in right before it was time for me to leave for his baseball game. I could have very easily told the salesman that I didn’t have time and set up another time for him to come in and try to sell me something that I wasn’t going to buy anyway. He took up my time, which I allowed him to do, causing me to get to my son’s game right as it was finishing up. As I came up to the stands I asked my wife how he had done. “Not well, he struck out every time at the plate.” The game before he had three hits for four times at bat, so I could see that he hadn’t had a good day. I walked up to him and asked, “What happened today?” With tears in his eyes he told me with no hesitation in his voice whatsoever, “I guess you’ll have to be here to find out.” What a lesson I learned that day.

I also coached my youngest son’s second grade basketball team. One of my team’s biggest highlights for our season was when the smallest child on the team, who couldn’t make a basket, made his first basket in the last game of the season. In practice I wasn’t easy on this child. I set the bar high for him just like his teammates, wanting him to learn to be able to compete with his teammates. Early on in the season I pulled him aside and talked to him about how weak he was and how we were going to work to get him stronger. This young man couldn’t do a pushup when he first started. We discussed that everyone has a starting point, and every step forward we’ll call success. But I wanted him to know that where he was at wasn’t acceptable. I couldn’t do the pushups for him; he had to do them. By the end of the season, he was squeaking out between five and six pushups. As far as I’m concerned that was acceptable.

During the last game, it was my desire to have him shoot the ball and hopefully make a basket. He would miss the basket every time he would shoot during previous games, so he got to where he wouldn’t shoot at all. We had had a very good season, only losing one game, and in the last game we were way ahead of the opposing team. Every time he would shoot and miss he would look over at me, wanting me to take him out. Well, that wasn’t going to happen. I called a time out, got him away from his teammates and told him he wasn’t doing his best. I said, “I want you to quit looking at me every time you shoot and miss. You just play your very best and if you miss every shot, I don’t care. My only concern is that you work harder than you have ever worked before, because I’m not taking you out.”

His teammates kept passing him the ball, over and over again until that ball made its way up to the hoop and he made it. The opposing team even got involved and cheered him on. That child’s whole season was culminated in that moment. He ran over to me, and I picked him up over my head and said “good job!” “But coach, he said, what if I didn’t make a basket.” “Making the basket isn’t what’s important; never giving up is. Do you see what you can do if you keep trying and don’t give up?”

That memory, that accomplishment was worth more than any plastic trophy or award certificate that could have been given. He wasn’t the best player on the team, not even close. He knew that this was the only basket he made all season--even in practice. But that very moment, when that basketball circled the rim and fell through the net, this young man knew in his heart that he could accomplish whatever he put his mind to.

There were those who thought I was riding this child too hard. Was I? Maybe, but not according to him or his mother. There is a definite difference between demanding excellence and raising the bar for a child, as compared to those that ridicule and demean a child’s character. We need to demand higher standards in our children today so that they can grow up with higher standards for themselves as adults.

Bullies Are a Fact of Growing Up

Growing up on a farm for the first twelve years of my life on one hand helped me to be responsible, but on the other hand kept me fairly naïve to the harshness of the outside world, and totally un-streetwise. When we left the farm and moved down to Clear Lake Highlands, California little did I know that I was going to be given a lesson in what it was like to be humiliated by my peers and beaten up on a weekly basis. And then on top of it all, having the teachers at the school look the other way, condoning the actions of the children that were the bullies. There were six of these boys in this little gang of thugs and they were inseparable. If you got into it with one, the other five would quickly jump in, leaving whoever it was that had tried to stick up for themselves lying on the ground writhing in pain.

My first week in school I pretty much kept to myself, having heard that you didn’t want to cross these kids or say anything to them that would make you a target. It wasn’t long, though, before I came across all six of them beating up one of the smaller children in our class. Trying to get them to stop beating my classmate up was easy; trying to get them to stop beating me up was a whole different problem.

I was constantly told by teachers, the principal, and (what hurt most) my mother, that I needed to “get along” with these kids. What was it that I had done, to make these boys react to me the way that they were? I had one teacher in particular tell me that these boys were good boys and if they were beating me up, I must have had it coming.

Now every child needs to have a hero and mine was my older brother. One day while these boys were chasing me home, my brother saw what was going on, and what had been happening throughout the school year, firsthand. Without even saying a word to me, he went down and bought two sets of boxing gloves and started showing me how to box every day after school. After a short time I learned to quit blocking his punches with my face and got to where I was gaining more confidence in myself and my abilities.

The last day of school came and I couldn’t have been happier. We were going to be moving from this town, down to the San Francisco Bay Area, and I wouldn’t have to put up with these kids anymore. As I was leaving the school to go out to get my bike, two of them had been waiting for me. I was able to get out the gate with them chasing close behind me. I headed off of the main road onto a gravel road trying to ditch them when I quickly discovered that the road department had put down more gravel making it hard to pedal. The two boys caught up to me, kicking me off of my bike face first into the gravel.

I felt the blood pouring out of the scrapes on my face, and heard the laughter and the taunting. I had put up with this all year and this was the last straw. I came up off of the gravel swinging for all I was worth. The training that my brother had given me in the short time that we had trained was now coming to fruition as both of these boys were lying on the gravel in tears.

I remember wanting to continue beating on these kids, when a soft but stern woman’s voice told me that I needed to stop, they had had enough. She told them to get on their bikes and skedaddle on home. She looked down at me and I will never forget her words. “ I have watched you being chased, hit, run off of the road for the entire school year, and I was wondering when you were going to stand up for yourself. Come on over and we’ll take care of your battle scars and I might even have some cookies and milk hanging around.”

She went on to say, “We all need to stand up for ourselves, and when someone can’t, the strong need to protect those that are weaker.” I truly believe that if the stronger were taught to stand up for those that can’t stand up for themselves, bullying would be an exception to the rule. Bullying will continue until those that are protectors are permitted do something about it.

We read stories all the time about children that commit suicide, take guns to school, shoot other children and teachers, only to have the common denominator turn out to be that they were bullied and feeling trapped and felt something needed to be done. When these children take their lives or the lives of others, it leaves a huge gaping hole in all of us, individually and as a society. The senseless harming of a child creates in most of us a feeling of sorrow. Society continues to look for answers, trying to find something or someone to blame so that we can understand, or at least try to understand what happened.

Bullying can’t be stopped by creating more rules, laws, or empty conversation with those who bully about why they shouldn’t be bullying. Rules, laws and conversation only work for those who respond and abide by rules, laws and conversation. The people that abide by these parameters for the most part aren’t the ones that are the bullies.

There has always been and always will be those who pick on and abuse others that are vulnerable and easy targets. I have been raising children for over thirty six years, four of my own and over fourteen foster children, and the difference now as compared to when I first started is the children of today aren’t taught to defend themselves. They are taught to go tell an adult that somebody is picking on them. This only works when the person being told on is one of those people who, for the most part, follows the rules—this incident being the exception to their usual behavior. The person that doesn’t follow the rules could care less about being tattled on, and will continue to abuse.

Children have to be taught to defend themselves and others. They need to be taught to verbalize their feelings, telling those that are bullying them to knock it off and be willing to back it up. Those that see a wrong being committed against a weaker person should be able to feel free to stand up for that person and have the support of those in authority, without the fear of being punished themselves. With these sorts of standards in place, maybe we can finally see bullying behavior become the exception to the rule.

Knowing Your Limitations Continued…

Nancy and I periodically have people contact us, wanting to pick our brain concerning the pros and cons surrounding foster care. There is one couple that comes to mind every time I talk to someone in regards to foster care and knowing what you can handle. These people are a prime example why when working with children in foster care you don’t want to get in over your head.

We had known this couple for years but it wasn’t until after we had been in foster care for a number of years and one of our boys was graduating from high school that they made mention that they were interested and wanted to get together with us before they went forward with the training. That was the last time we saw them for over six months until we saw them coming up the steps at the DSHS office in Spokane, Washington.

After exchanging pleasantries, I proceeded to ask them what they were doing at the DSHS office. “We’re foster parents,” they both blurted out. “We have been licensed, and we are taking placement of a sibling group of three today.” “Wow, that’s incredible, what do you know about these children,” was all I could say. They proceeded to tell me that they were sorry that they didn’t get a hold of us and that it all just happened so quickly. They had made the decision to be foster parents and they decided to jump in with both feet, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. They went on to say that they had been told that there wasn’t any information, nothing on these children except that they were coming from a BRS home, which stands for Behavior Rehabilitation Services.

“Do you know what BRS stands for?” I exclaimed. “There are volumes of information on each one of these children, that is why you should have sought out counsel from someone, it doesn’t matter if you get the information from us or not.” The woman looked at Nancy and myself and exclaimed, “If it doesn’t work out, we’ll just give them back.” Nancy was appalled and said “These are children, not puppy dogs, every time these children are moved it sets them back significantly.” One and a half weeks later after taking placement they gave the children back, claiming that they couldn’t handle the behaviors. They were not prepared for the type of behaviors these children exhibited and it had taken them over the top. To date they are no longer foster parents.

I know these people and they are good people, well liked in the community, always willing to lend a hand or volunteer when needed. Their problem was that they were not prepared, didn’t understand their limitations, and got themselves in over their head. I would like to say that this is uncommon, but I hear about this happening quite often. The biggest problem we have with this occurrence is that we lose valuable resources every time we lose foster parents, and every time a child is moved, it makes it that much harder for the child to attach.

Understanding and knowing what your capabilities are before you take on any given task is just using good common sense. Always look for those that are doing the job and doing it well and glean from their experience. Never be too proud to ask for help or guidance. The very future of the child in your care, or the child coming into your care needs for you to be in control, understanding before the child comes into care what you should expect so you can help the child to heal and become successful.

Knowing Your Limitations

Having an understanding of what our limits are is crucial when working with traumatized children.

When I was thirteen years of age, I had a job breaking and working out horses at a boarding stable that not only boarded horses, but also bought and sold horses. They would go to the local slaughterhouse where the owners of the stable would buy them for a cheap price. They would pick through the horses trying to choose those that looked good enough and with the minimal amount of work they felt they could bring around to a point where they could sell them and make a profit.

One day they came back with what I would say was the most beautiful horse that I have ever seen. This horse was a Golden Palomino with a flowing flaxen mane and tail standing just under fifteen hands. I knew that nobody would send this horse to the slaughterhouse without good reason, there had to be something wrong and I was right. I soon found out why this horse had been discarded.

This horse would allow you to put on the bridle, saddle, lead him, pet him, and lunge him. This horse would even put its head into your chest and want the top of his head rubbed. The owners of the stable wanted me to hurry up and get into the saddle and ride this horse out because they already had this horse sold to a little twelve year old girl who at first sight had fallen in love with him and wanted to take the horse home with her.

The very moment after swinging my leg over the horse’s back and getting settled into the saddle, this horse erupted. First it started bucking, and throwing itself up against the corral trying to get me off of its back. When that didn’t work, the horse lunged forward, rearing up, and throwing itself on its back, trying to crush me under its weight. When I felt the horse rearing backwards I had thrown myself off of the right side, trying to get out of the way.

I spent a month trying to get that horse ready for that little girl, because she had fallen in love with him and was blinded by his beauty and wasn’t looking at his character. I got him to where he wasn’t bucking or rearing over backwards, at least in the arena. I was told to take him out on the trails and ride him out, because the people that had bought him were going to be coming in to take possession of him. Everything was going well; the horse was obeying commands and riding out well when all of a sudden with no warning it threw itself on its back once again trying to crush me under its weight. I was able to get off in time, grabbed the reins and at that point walked the horse back. There was no way that I was going to get back in the saddle; I was done with this animal.

When I got back to the stable the little girl came running up to her horse, along with her father. I looked at her father and told him, “if you put her on this horse, this horse will kill her, or hurt her really bad.” It was good to see that this father had common sense and asked for his money back even over the protests of his daughter. I remember her looking at me with tears in her eyes telling me how much she hated me. The owners of the stable were quick to fire me, kicking me out of their place and telling me that I wouldn’t be getting paid for the work that had been done for them.

Like this horse there are children that have been so severely traumatized and abused that no matter what you do or how much time you spend trying to help them you cannot undo the damage that has happened to their brain in early stages of development.

If you take in one of these children and find that you are unable to cope with the behaviors, rest assured that those affiliated with the child will be looking for someone to point the finger at and you the foster parent will most likely be the one. It is apparent in our society that there always has to be someone besides those that actually caused the damage to shoulder the blame. Understand the process, hold to your guns, and you’ll get through it. We live in a culture of armchair quarterbacks that believe they have the answer, even though they lack the ability to make the play.

Move on from this realizing that there are so many children out there that can be helped and want to do well, as compared to the one child you can’t help. It’s human nature to mourn the one that has to leave instead of rejoicing in the ones that benefit from your home and talents. You the foster parent didn’t birth this child; you didn’t abuse, neglect or abandon them. You are not the reason that their behaviors are out of control, or their young lives are filled with trauma, fear, or mental illness. You are the one that is trying to help, and sometimes the damage is so severe that the child is beyond help. Continuing to try will only create an unsavory environment not only for yourself but also for the other children in your home.

Everyone needs to feel safe in their own home, and when someone creates an atmosphere of fear or anxiety within the family unit, that person needs to either stop doing what they’re doing or for the health and wellbeing of all others in the home, they need to leave.

There are always going to be those workers that have no regard for the wellbeing of the foster parent or the existing children in your home. They try to place in your home those children that you don’t have the capacity, training, or the experience to cope with, let alone help. Be aware of your abilities and limitations and go with what you know. Do not be afraid to say “no” if you do not have the training or ability to care for this high needs child.

The Ugly Side of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Nancy came running out to where I was working on our place. “You need to get to school now; one of our kids is having a bad day.” Hurriedly I jumped into my truck and I was off to school, not knowing what to expect or what action I was going to have to take once I got there.

Arriving at school I was quickly directed to an office where security had put my young charge. As I walked into the room I observed something that I had read about, studied, have done extensive research into, but had never experienced up close and personal.

Up to this point I had never seen another human being that was so withdrawn from reality and their surroundings, not responding to any verbal commands, that I realized that I was in over my head. I quickly sent up a prayer,” Lord I need some help here,” this was all new to me. As the child became more and more upset, I knew I needed to deescalate the situation before it became out of control.

Unbeknownst to me, before this all happened he had been confronted in the hallway on the way to class and threatened by some other students that said they were going to beat him up. As I held him and tried to comfort him, he screamed out like a frightened wounded animal that he didn’t want to be hurt or beat anymore. As I reassured him that I was there and nobody was going to touch him or hurt him, he told me that the memories that haunted him from his early childhood had come back to haunt him once more.

My mind at this time was racing, praying that I could deescalate this child before law enforcement showed up, angry thinking that no child should ever have to experience what this child had experienced, and still keeping myself in control, reassuring him that I was there and he was safe.

Law enforcement showed up ready to take over the situation, which meant that he would have been hand cuffed and taken away. Looking up at the officer from where I was, I asked him to give me just a few more minutes to calm the child down, which the officer did. In a few more minutes that seemed like an eternity, the situation finally came to a resolve. I asked the child if he could sit up and be strong; he assured me that he could. As I sat next to him, leaning up against the back wall of the office, I saw that we had acquired quite a group of people concerned with what was going on.

When working with traumatized children, we always have to keep in mind that the child has come from an environment that was probably for the most part violent. These children have endured life in drug infested, violent, unsafe homes with people that are out of control and mentally unstable. It is imperative that as caregivers we need to be in control of ourselves when these children are out of control.

During this whole ordeal my voice was just a little more than a whisper. Constantly reassuring and comforting. I know that this is going to possibly happen again, but I also know that eventually it will become an exception to the rule, instead of the rule. As caregivers we must be physically prepared as well as mentally prepared for any and all situations that will come up.

This story so far has a happy ending. I was able to take him home, and he was able to return to school the next day. Safeguards were put into place to help if the situation of being bullied was to ever come up again. This child is going to take years to learn how to cope with everyday situations, and hopefully get past the demons of the past that infect his present, so that they don’t determine his future.

The Need for Rest in Foster Care

You and your husband were going to have a peaceful day today. You planned on doing a few chores around the house, then go out to lunch together…alone! After all the children are now back in school – FREEDOM! But wait, the phone is ringing; oh no…the caller ID says School District 000…yep one of the children is acting unruly and you need to go to school to de-escalate the situation. Not only do you have to de-escalate this child, he must be brought home as he is not able to function academically at school for the rest of the day. Maybe lunch another day.

The toughest time for the foster parent is during the early weeks and months when a child is placed in the home. Behaviors are at their peak (once the “honeymoon” phase is over). These children will rock your world. When the “Pride Trainer” (“Pride” is foster parent training in WA state) says that these children are nothing like your biological children, they are correct! If there is a button to be pushed, these young people have learned to find that button and push it. Once the child has adapted to you and your home, there needs to be a time of rest.

As foster parents we want these children to become outstanding citizens, but this does not come without a price. There is much time invested. There will be heartache and joy, successes and failures. It is imperative that the foster parent receives time away to refocus, refresh and remember who they are. This especially needs to happen with husbands and wives. We cannot forget that we need to take care of our relationships if we want to do an excellent job with the children. Discord in the home will reflect in the behavior of the children.

With that being said, prepare and allow for a time of respite. Do not rely on the department to find respite care providers. Find trusted people who the children are familiar with to do respite for you. These children are human beings who will be scared to be left in the care of someone they do not know; would you want to be left with someone you have never met? Have these people cleared through the state so that they can receive a provider number and get paid. Make sure they get paid.

Prepare to go away to relax, you deserve it! Try not to think of what might, should, or could happen while you are away. Focus on your spouse and your dreams for the future. Remember who you are, relax, and enjoy!

Chemical Castration Of Behaviorally Challenging Children

I was recently talking with a doctor concerning the number of children in foster care that are on medications with the intent of bringing their behaviors down to a level so placement would have a greater chance of not being disrupted. The subject of these medications reducing the levels of testosterone in male children came up because of a male foster child that had been on a drug cocktail for approximately 10 years which had caused him to develop to a point that most all of his actions were effeminate.

Researching this further, I went looking for articles that would bring validity to my theory that the drugs that this young man was on caused his body to stop producing testosterone. In “Melmed: Williams Textbook of Endocrinology, 12th edition” chapter 10, causes of secondary hypogonadism (a symptom in which the body does not produce enough testosterone) is discussed and my concerns were realized. Additionally, “hyperprolactinaemia,” the presence of abnormally high levels of prolactin, associated with lactation and breast development in pregnancy, is a common side effect of anti psychotic drugs such as Risperidone and Adderall. Usage can also result in infertility and erectile dysfunction in men.

We understand that these drugs could harm livers, kidneys, and other vital organs of children. What other damage is being done that no one is talking about? The young man that had been on the drug cocktail for ten years was taken off of all medication. Within one month he was talking about how clear his mind was. In a month and a half my wife and I were noticing a distinct change in the way that he acted and reacted to any given situation.

Before he was taken off of the medication he would well up with tears and cry any time he was confronted with a discipline situation, or something that made him feel like he wasn’t being treated fairly. Following the removal of the medication, this young man began to be able to work with others without him balling up in a flash flood of tears. As each day goes by he continues to improve and become stronger, which has been an incredible boost for his self-esteem. When this young man first came into our home he didn’t feel good about himself and who he was. He is now transforming daily into a young man, with an ever growing feeling of self-worth.

We have a growing population of children that are being drugged to a state where they spend most of their waking hours in a drug induced stupor. There are children out there whose brain may have a chemical imbalance and need medication to allow them to function. But this should be an exception to the rule, not the rule. We have grown into a society that wants a pill to take care of everything instead of working with children and parenting our children to bring about a positive outcome through nurturing and discipline.

Children are force fed these medications without their knowledge of the side effects, without them understanding the long term manifestations of these drugs. They are too young and trusting to understand that these organ damaging drugs are being administered without regard for their well-being. And by the time they are old enough to understand, it may be too late to recover from the consequences to their bodies.

It has been my experience over the last ten years that behavior modification through medication doesn’t work. Medication is used only because it’s easier for the professional to administer the drugs rather than work with the parent or caregiver on strategies for the behaviorally challenged child. Behavior changes come from hard work not only on the child’s side, but also the caregivers. How can anyone reason with a child or bring about any degree of understanding when the child is in a drug induce stupor? Many children on these drug cocktails are simply existing. They are not growing to what their full potential could be.

So as parents we need to ask our professionals who seek to medicate behaviors instead of seeking out behavioral change by teaching positive choices and behavioral modification through discipline: how are these drugs affecting children and their bodies? What isn’t being said needs to be talked about and addressed openly.

Are these drugs taking away aggression by reducing the children taking these drugs to a state where they wont be able to reproduce as adults? If that is so, what happens when the child is no longer in the system and cannot afford to purchase these drugs, and the anger and hurt that is still inside them has never been addressed? Have there been adequate studies concerning the long term effects of these drugs? We need to understand the possible side effects of reducing testosterone levels to an extremely low level, if not completely inhibiting the body’s ability to produce testosterone all together. Are we medically castrating our children? We need to fight to take care of these children—mind, body and spirit.

A Foster Child Cries Out: "I Want My Mama!"

Picture a young child being dropped off at a location, any location. Maybe she leaves the child in an airport terminal, bus station, maybe even a park where children go to play. Mom tells the young child to wait, that she will be back to pick him up. “Don’t go anywhere, you wait right here.” Hours go by and now people are beginning to take notice that this young child has been sitting in one spot, not moving, and when asked what he’s doing, he just states that he is waiting for his mom.

The authorities have been called. They immediately begin to question the child, trying to find out who this child is and why this child has been left unattended. Pretty soon law enforcement calls CPS who arrives on the scene and starts an investigation into what is going on and where mom has taken off too. The child is taken away from the scene crying because mom had said to wait there. The child knew that mom would surely be back to pick him up and if the he is gone, the mother wouldn’t know where he was and she would be angry because he had disobeyed and had not stayed in his seat.

Fast forward ten years and now we have a little child that has grown into a teenager in stature, but remains that little child still waiting for his mom. Numerous placements--institutions, group homes, foster homes, perspective adoptive homes-- only to end up with the same outcome of constantly being removed from each placement due to angry outbursts and physical aggression. Each time this child is moved, the ability to attach becomes more and more difficult.

The consequence of this rage is always the same--lockdown, isolation, a drug cocktail. Constantly being moved from one home to another, trying to find the perfect fit for this child, that would, at the very least, give him a home that he could possibly stay in for more than just a few months; in one case, for only seven hours.

Then a home is found, the people are incredible, the child is taken to their home for a visit to see if this could possibly be a match. These people are dedicated and want to adopt the young child, bring him to their home and make this child theirs. Whoa, wait a minute, the child thinks, I can’t be adopted. My mom is going to come back and pick me up. She promised that she would come back. If I’m adopted by these people she won’t know where I am, she won’t be able to come back for me. “I want my Mama.”

So, once again this child blows out of what could have been a good home for growth, a home that could encourage healing and wellness, to be cast back into the lockdown group home. Once again this child works through another home, another set of rules, still desperately waiting for a mother to return and pick him up, though down deep he knows she never will. The behaviors become so overwhelming that placement options are almost to the point of being non-existent; then he came to us.

Abandonment is one of the hardest things to get over or to get to a point where you can deal with it on a day to day basis. Then you have some children who grow into adults and never get over it. It has been our experience that the child that has been abandoned, no matter how abusive their situation was or how much they blame mom for not protecting them, is still waiting for mom to come back into their life to make it all right even though it was never right in the first place.

This particular young man, after being with us for a short time, began crying for his mother, “I want my mama, I want my mama.” “Sorry buddy, but the harsh reality is mom is never going to come back and pick you up,” I had to tell him. This five year old child stuck in a teenage body wailing uncontrollably, crying out “I want my mama, I want my mama.” And to each time we reiterated back to him that mama is not going to come back. As he was mourning over this and sobbing, I kept telling him that although mom was never going to come back and pick him up, he has been picked up. Nancy and I have picked him up, and he’s here now for the duration. After being allowed to properly mourn, he got up the following morning, threw his arms around Nancy, and told her, “thank you, I love you.”

Some children may never get picked up...may never find a place where they can feel at home. Some children may spend their lives searching for something they may never be able to obtain. If their own mother can leave them...the one person we would think would be obligated to love and care for them, how can they ever trust, bond, have hope? All we can do as foster parents is provide a safe environment where these children can mourn this immense loss and hopefully find some healing and sense of belonging after enduring something no child should ever endure.

Every Traumatized Child Needs Their “Lieutenant Dan Moment”

Try to envision yourself being dragged out of your home by people you don’t know, to be put into some stranger’s home with strange sounds--it even smells different. You are pulled away from the only life that you have ever known, thrust into a life of intense boundaries, rules, and expectations.

Try to feel how angry you would be and how you would want to unleash this anger on everything and everyone around you. These strangers that pulled you out of your house are trying to be sympathetic with you and work through this trauma, but they have a job to do-- keeping you safe, even though you did not know that you were not safe.

Try to understand that this anger that you have has been manifesting within you for years because of the unsafe environment that you were growing up in. The problem is you didn’t realize this environment was unsafe, because this is what you grew up in. This is the only life that you ever knew and to you this is normal… doesn’t everybody live like this?

This is part of a scenario that happens every day across our country. Parents create environments for their children that are harmful and unsafe. Children are removed from their parents, separating them from the only structure that they ever knew. We then expect these children to act like nothing ever happened. We expect a little crying and sadness, but never the screaming and especially the over the top temper tantrums where the child is cussing at you and everyone around you. Although hitting, kicking, spitting, and biting should be expected, it is often not, and then the children sometimes “connect” with their little assault.

People who care for children need to understand that the onslaught is not a personal attack against you. They are not angry with you. They are really angry with the ones that should have made for them an environment in which they could grow up feeling safe and secure. You are the one that is closest to them and you are the one that is going to receive the brunt of their aggression and anger for all of their hurts, fears, and disappointments that have riddled their young life.

This is what we call their “Lieutenant Dan Moment.” In the movie Forrest Gump when Lieutenant Dan was up on the mask of the ship screaming out at God for all of the injustices that he felt he had received in his life, a shift took place. He was able to get angry and scream from the depth of his soul, ridding himself of all of the pent up garbage that had accumulated and had never been dealt with. The Lieutenant was able to do this with his best friend--someone that was totally non-judgmental and knew that his friend needed to purge himself. After the incident Forrest made this profound statement, “Lieutenant Dan got himself right with God that day.”

Children in care for the most part don’t have the luxury of the Lieutenant Dan moment. If a child acts out and appears to be out of control, they are rushed off to the doctor where they are immediately put on medication to try to eliminate these outbreaks, so there won’t be a disruption in placement. The child’s anger is squelched by keeping him in a drug induced stupor. This does not teach the child how to deal with their anger, it only masks it. The anger is still there.

A child in our care came to a point where he could no longer hold this anger in. He misses his mom, and is angry because she did not take care of him. His feeling of loss and abandonment overwhelmed him and when it got to a point where he could no longer contain it on his own he blew. The other children quickly removed themselves from the area, and I let him vent. When he was done, I went up to him, looking him in the eye and asked, “Do you feel better now?” His reply was, “Yes I do.” I told him “Understand that what you have just done had you removed from your other placements, but you are not going anywhere but here. You have to get the garbage out, to make room for the good things that are waiting for you in life. This is your home, we are going to get through this together.” At that point he grabbed onto me, telling me over and over again “thank you, thank you.”

It is our calling in life as foster care givers to help these children heal. If we are not up for the task, who will be? The only alternative for these children is a group home, juvenile detention center, or the state hospital, where they won’t heal, they’re just housed. Every one of these children at some point in time in their own way will have their ”Lieutenant Dan” moment. Allow them to do that, be ready for it and help them heal. If not you, then who?

Foster Care Isn't a Badge of Honor

After being a foster parent for just a couple of years and continually dragging the children in my care to countless events all set around foster children, I came to the realization that the children in my care didn’t want to be at these events, or have the label of foster child put on them like it was a badge of honor.

The event that stands out most in my mind was a picnic up in Colville where we were told by the person in charge that it was mandatory to be there. My boys threw a fit about going to this outing, telling us that they didn’t want to be there for the whole world to see that they were foster kids. As we rolled up to the park where the event was being held, you could see banners that had been hung up telling us where everyone was meeting. These banners all read “foster children”, telling everyone that wasn’t involved in our group, as well as the people involved, that the children in this group weren’t just children getting together to have a picnic; these children were foster children.

One of my boys refused to get out of the car, his argument being, “I don’t want the label 'foster child' hung on me.” I know that I could’ve made him get out, forced him to enjoy the festivities and made him have fun (yeah, right); but for the most part I was beginning to see that he had a valid point, and I agreed with him. Funny thing happened--one of the social workers that was attending brought their bio-daughter, and she was very pretty. Next thing I know this young man that didn’t want to even get out of the car was standing right next to me. I looked over at him and said, “she is pretty, isn’t she?” “Yes she is,” was all he said.

Children in foster care are often looked down upon as second class citizens. If there is trouble on the bus on the way to school, it has to be the foster children that caused it. Sometimes they do, but it’s not always the case. We had an incident on the school bus where some kids had become disruptive. When the parents were called into school to talk about the problem, the parents of these children immediately tried to transfer blame onto the children in our home. The bus driver immediately stepped up defending the foster children in our home, stating that the foster children on her bus were more polite than any of the other children on her bus and they were not the problem, at least this time.

One of our young men became involved with a group of foster alumni/foster children called Passion For Action. This group, for the most part, gets together to bring about change within the foster care system to benefit children placed in foster care. At one of the meetings this young man was speaking in front of a group of people when he made the proclamation that, in our home, we don’t like the F-word. “Foster care” and being “foster children” is something that we strive to eliminate from who these children are. We all know that it’s always there, but we don’t dwell in the fact that they are caught up in the foster care system or take on the victim’s role of being foster children. It is not their fault that they are in the system, so we all should stop treating them as if they were the poor little foster child, making them sound like a second class citizen. Remember that before they were “foster children” they were simply children.

Permanency: What is Best for the Foster Child

There are those people out there that push the idea that every child in foster care wants and deserves a forever home with a family that adopts them into their family; and, from that ideal, the child lives happily ever after. In some instances this may be the case, but in many of the cases where children in foster care have been adopted into a family, it’s not a happily ever after scenario. It’s a scenario where the adopted child has turned the world of the adoptive family upside down, creating an environment of resentment and frustration.

Then you have foster homes that adopt a child and still have foster children in the home. This creates a different problem because now there are two sets of rules in the home--one set of rules for the foster child and another set of rules for the adopted child. With these two sets of rules, supervision becomes problematic. The State requires all foster parents to provide 24/7 supervision for each foster child placed in the home. There aren’t any requirements for an adopted child. The same scenario exists when there are still biological children living in the home.

One case that we dealt with personally was one where the home had adopted children and was still taking in foster children. The adopted children were allowed to run all over the small town that they lived in with little to no supervision. The foster children were given the same supervision as the adopted children and ended up not only getting in trouble with the law, but also creating problems within the family, causing the foster children’s immediate removal. That’s when they came to live with us.

We had another child that came to live with us that was from a failed adoption. He was part of a sibling group and the potential adoptive parents were told by the State that they needed to adopt both of the children to get the one they wanted. This created in the potential adoptive parents a feeling that they were being coerced by the State to do something they didn’t want to do. These parents went ahead with the adoption creating resentment for the unwanted child that continued even after the child came to live with us. Once the child was in our home, the resentment was apparent through the adoptive parents' ever constant interference, not wanting this child to succeed.

In defense of the parents, they were never trained on how to deal with children with attachment issues or early childhood trauma. They were fortunate that the other child was sweet and compliant and didn’t have the same issues as the sibling. These people didn’t want to fail, they just didn’t understand their limitations and how taxing a child with behavioral problems can be. Even the most seasoned parent has times when they feel overwhelmed.

Then you have Guardianship, which sounds like the right thing to do for the person that doesn’t want to adopt, but wants the child to feel like they’re in their permanent home. The one thing that people don’t understand through Guardianship is that the state is still involved to a certain extent, but the Guardian has all of the liability. Whatever happens while the child is living in the home of the Guardian becomes the responsibility of the Guardian, and relieves the State of all responsibility.

Does a child need permanency? Absolutely! Permanency comes when the child knows that their home is one in which the Foster/Guardian/Adoptive parent does not give up on the child. Your family needs to determine which route is best for your situation. Do the research, do not allow anyone or any agency to guilt you into doing something you do not want or are unsure of doing. Doing what you feel is best for your family will most likely be what is best for the child.

You Gave Me Up: "Home" for the Foster Child

When I came to live with you I was told that this was my home. You showed me my room and told me that this was mine, and that I could even hang up my posters and make it feel like it was really my own. You introduced me to your friends and told them that I was your new son; that I would be living with you and become part of your family.

You introduced me to your church family, relatives, and your friends and neighbor; I was really feeling like I was somewhere I could belong. This was going to be my permanent home. This would be the home that I would grow up in, you promised.

I know that I was bringing with me baggage that I had acquired through my early years. All of the placements prior to me coming to live with you, I had blown out of. I know that you had read all of the stuff that had been written about me. My whole life was an open book for you, and everyone else that had anything to do with me. You knew that my behaviors were considered to be extreme, and that’s why I had to leave my last placement, but your home was going to be different, you told me so.

So why is it that now you’re telling me that I can no longer live with you and that I’m being moved to a home that works with kids like me, and understands my behaviors? Isn’t that what you told me when I came to live with you, that you understood what I had been through and that you would help me work with my behaviors? You even told me to call you “Dad,” and that I was your son, are you no longer my dad, and I’m no longer your son? I know that I need help, please don’t throw me away, I’ll try harder, please don’t throw me away. 

~

So often this is the scenario that foster children go through. The reality of rejection and being tossed around like an unwanted puppy is the world these children live in, and have to learn to cope through. Some do well enough to get by, others fall through the cracks and end up going from foster care to our penal systems.

The foster child in most cases lives in a world of uncertainty. Even when they find themselves placed in a home that is conducive to their healing and well being. The governmental agency that is in charge of them often times makes changes not based on what’s best for the child, but what looks best for the immediate bottom line.

All children, especially foster children, need to have an environment that is stable, safe, and unchanging. The child needs to be able to rely on the fact that their home isn’t going to be jerked out from under them at any given moment by those that aren’t looking at the long term ramifications of destroying a child’s life by the constant turmoil of indecision.

When deciding whether to become a foster parent, you must keep in mind that it is a long-term decision. We cannot play with the lives of these children, thinking that we can simply “give them back” if it does not work out. If you are considering becoming a foster parent, make sure you are ready to commit to these foster children and give them a chance at finding stability and success for their future.

Do You Really Love Me?: Parents and Children in Foster Care

More often than not, when a child in our care has come home from a visit with their biological mother or father the world around the child has become convoluted and full of uncertainty. Those that are supposed to protect them from harm have been the ones that have harmed them the most. Even though the child is no longer in their care, they continue to perpetrate through their actions, behaviors and empty promises.

A child we had in our home would be allowed weekly visits with his mother, then come home from the visit to make our lives a living hell. Keeping documentation of these visits and everything that transpired on the visit and the child’s actions and reactions after each visit is vital. Through the documentation we were able to show the court a pattern that was occurring each time the parent had access to the child. It was determined that his mother was the trigger that caused him to demonstrate antisocial behaviors at home as well as in the school setting.

This documentation gave us what was needed to demonstrate to the court how this child’s behavior would escalate out of control, causing a set-back in not only behavior but in academics and social responses. Don’t misunderstand me, visits are vital to the health and welfare of the child, but those visits must be beneficial to the child, not cause them to spiral every time they happen. Taking away the visits removed one of the major triggers that caused overt behavior.

Now comes the hard part where the foster parent has to make the child understand that their behaviors also contributed to the decision being made concerning the removal of visitation. The younger the child the harder this can be. How this topic is breached needs to be age appropriate, and handled in a firm but sensitive way.

Understand that your goal should be to build a firm foundation under the child so that when the time comes for them to re-establish a relationship with not only their biological mother and father, but also their biological relatives, they can be strong. As the child gets older, they need to have the ability to determine how much access the bio-family has in their life, and the lives of their own future children.

One of the concepts that we try to get across to the children in our home (if a visit didn’t go well) is that their parents don’t have the capacity to parent at this time, and that we should never expect someone to be able to do what they’re incapable of doing.

I had one boy tell me that his mother kept telling him over and over again that she loved him. He told me, “She says that, but she doesn’t really mean it, she doesn’t love me enough to change her life, do the right thing, get the help she needs so that we can be a family again.”

Reunification between child and biological parent, although a primary goal, can be a slippery slope for some, creating difficulties for the child in care and anxiety for the caregiver. And although I would like to see every child reunified with their parents, reality dictates that the chances of that happening are slim to none.

Children at some point will have to go back to their biological parents and come to grips with the reality of their childhood. The foster parent needs to help facilitate this by helping the child become strong enough to understand why their circumstances were what they were and honor their parents for being their parents.

The Blowups That Lose Placement For The Foster Child

During the holidays I received a call from a social worker begging me to take placement of a child that day. We had already agreed on taking this child after the holidays because of his acting out, and the severity of the tantrums he would throw. We had family visiting from out of town, and we didn’t want them to be subject to the extreme type of behaviors this particular child had been presenting.

I agreed to have the social worker drive him down to our home thinking that it should be ok.  There is typically a honeymoon period in which each child that is placed will try to act their best and maintain a higher level of control.  It did work out in this case; the child didn’t act out while the family was here, but the day after they left, all hell broke loose.

We were getting ready to take the children to youth group and this child decided that he was going to show us what a real temper tantrum looked like. Nancy proceeded to take the other children on to youth group, and I prepared myself to throw a temper tantrum right along with this young man. In order to throw a temper tantrum that is going to be effective, the adult throwing the temper tantrum has to be in complete control of their emotions. This is an opportunity to teach, and you cannot be effective if you become angry and out of control yourself.

The entire ordeal lasted about fifteen minutes, until the child exclaimed to me, “I don’t like being yelled at and talked to like that.” “Well”, I said,” If you don’t want to be talked to in this manner, then you need to talk to me, and everyone else, in this manner...” at which time my voice got very soft and low, “this is how people talk to one another.” At that point he balled up into a fetal position and I pulled him up into my arms and rocked him to sleep. When he was asleep I put him under his covers, tucked him in and left him alone until the following morning.  If you’re going to rock a twelve year old, I recommend eating your Wheaties in the morning.

For this particular child, this was the first and last temper tantrum that he ever threw while he lived with us. He learned through that experience that he was not going to be the one in control. He had come to live in a parent run home, not a home run by the behaviors of a child.

When working with traumatized children, it’s not if they blowout and have their tantrums, it’s when. The caregiver cannot at any time believe that this isn’t going to happen. The caregiver needs to prepare himself or herself both mentally and physically in order for the child to heal and learn appropriate behaviors when these blowouts occur.

Part of the child’s healing will be that blowout. He should able to take all of that anger and pent up hostility and vent it out without fear of being removed from the home. The caregivers should be prepared and properly trained so that they are able to handle these situations and so the child is not automatically placed in a psych ward or removed from the home.

In the movie Forrest Gump, Lieutenant Dan climbed up into the crow’s nest aboard their shrimping boat and cried out in anger, ranting and raging, letting all his frustrations that had built up and manifested to a point of boiling over, come out. In his case he was in an environment where he could vent out without reprisal. In the case with a lot of our children in foster care, when they vent out like this, they find themselves in a lock down mental institution.

I had a young man just recently have a blowout and there was a venting of built up hurts and frustrations that flowed out. When it was all over I asked him how he felt. He told me that he felt so much better. Forrest Gump ended that scene by making the statement that he believed Lieutenant Dan had made peace not only with those that he thought had let him down, but also with himself.  It is often the same with the children in our care.  Our training in these situations could be the difference between a child losing placement, or them getting the chance to make a bit of peace with their circumstances.

Behavior Modification Through Medication

Children with behavioral problems, especially in the foster care system, easily end up on medication. Anti-psychotic medication is given for depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and social anxiety. If you read the warning label on these drugs for side effects, note that they can cause new or worsening mood changes, agitation, depression, severe anxiety, suicidal thoughts or attempts, and a host of other symptoms. It appears that if the patient didn’t have the diagnosis that prompted administration of these drugs initially, the patient could very well end up with the symptoms and the diagnosis after taking them.

There are those that truly have a chemical imbalance in their brain and need medication to help balance out what their body isn’t producing naturally. However, after working with teens in the foster care system for over nine years, my conclusion is that most children are medicated in the attempt not to stabilize the child, but to keep placement from being disrupted.

One of our first placements came to us on two very high doses of anti-psychotic meds, topped off with ADD/ADHD medication because this child had a hard time concentrating, was aggressive, always restless, and according to the care providers that he lived with before coming to live with us, he was very irritable. A few months after living with us, and under the supervision of a medical professional, we were able to take him off of all medications. One month after being off of the meds, he came up to Nancy, threw his arms around her in a big hug, and thanked her saying, “I have been on these meds since I was eight years old, and I have never seen the world so clearly as I do now.”

The social worker that had placed the child in our home was concerned that without the meds there would be a blow out and a disruption in placement. We wanted to see who this child was without the drug induced mask. Our philosophy from the start has been and continues to be, if the child is on medication to modify behaviors, and the child continues to act out with extreme behaviors, the meds must not be working and another course of action needs to be attempted.

Changing behaviors, especially in traumatized children doesn’t happen overnight, and there usually is never a quick fix. It takes time and patience to bring about a positive change that will help the child become successful in life after foster care. Those that work with traumatized children need to equip themselves through education, and gleaning from others that are doing the work and are successful. Only through education and experience will a foster parent be capable of handling the behaviors when they appear.

As caregivers we must work hard with medical providers to get these children off of medication that has the potential to destroy their vital organs and hinder social development. Once a child has aged out of care, the chances of them continuing to take the meds, let alone being able to afford the meds becomes, for the most part, non-existent.

Never do this on your own, always work with a medical provider when removing children off of medication. Understand that there are those children that do need medication to be able to function, although that should be an exception to the rule, not the rule.

Foster Parenting: "You're not my real Mom/Dad"

A pastor of a local church asked me just the other day how I handle children that don’t accept me as being their dad. He went on to ask if I ever had a child in our home remind me that I wasn’t their father and, if so, how did I handle it? I was curious as to why he had asked this particular question because I had already chosen this topic as this week’s blog. This is a question that I hear over and over again from many foster parents, adoptive parents, and also step-parents, although it’s usually from foster parents.

He went on to tell me about a man who has had constant turmoil between himself and his stepson. The stepson is full of anger and lashes out at everything. He won’t take any instruction from the stepfather and constantly tells him that he doesn’t have to listen to anything the stepfather says because “you’re not my real father.”

This is a common occurrence with children being raised by non-biological parents. The topic always seems to come up when tensions are high and the battle lines have been drawn. Unfortunately for the non-biological parents trying to raise this child, they are going to find themselves fighting this battle alone. The biological parents, in a lot of cases, spend most of their time trying to be the child’s friend instead of being the parent. To avoid this, you’re going to need guidelines and a complete understanding of what everyone’s roles are; parents and the child. All parents involved with the raising of the child need to be on board with the disciplining; otherwise the child will triangulate the parents and leave them ineffective.

I went on to explain to the pastor what I do to try to circumvent this from happening, even though it still does from time to time. Before we have a child placed a into our home, we first sit down with the child and basically interview him. In this interview we have written down over thirty questions, or statements that end up with a question. All this is designed to get a response from the child, and to make him understand what the rules are, where they fit in the scheme of things, and give the child the understanding that there isn’t anything left to their interpretation.

In one of those statements, I tell the child that I understand that I am not their father and Nancy isn’t their mother. Nancy didn’t conceive them or give birth to them, nor did I have anything to do with bringing them into the world. Then I ask them if they understood what I just said? I go on to tell them that Nancy and I are the parents and that their job is to be the child, and children will do what they are told to do. For whatever period of time we are in their lives, whether it be short term or long term, we will work in the capacity of being parents.

At no time will Nancy or I try to take the place of their father or mother. They will also honor their biological father and mother, and I don’t ever want to hear anything being said about them that is derogatory or downgrading to their character. In turn they will never hear Nancy or me say anything that is derogatory or downgrading to their character, “do you understand?”

By doing this, what you’re doing is taking away any type of competition between yourself and the biological parents. It doesn’t matter how horrible the parents were to the children, and what horrendous things were done to the children, the loyalty that children have to their biological parents is strong. If children don’t feel that they have to give up their loyalty to their biological mother and father by attaching to you, your success with helping children and raising them up will be far less difficult. It’s going to be difficult enough without having to fight against the bond of blood.

The Unreachable Foster Child: When Is It Time To Let Go?

How hard it must be for a child to be taken away from the only existence they have ever known and be thrust into a world of the unknown. Some of these children come into foster care with so much anger and hurt that it is almost impossible to help them, leaving the foster parent with a sense of despair.
How many times in a fit of anger has the foster parent heard, “ you’re not my mom; you’re not my dad.” These words cut into the heart and soul of any person that has opened up their heart to allow a traumatized child to be a part of their life. The foster parent that has given everything--their life, opening up their home to a stranger, their time and energy, but receives nothing in return for all that has been done, will soon burn out and find themselves having no more to give.

In my experience this has been an exception to the rule, rather than the rule. But if allowed to, the indifference of one child will offset the accomplishments and the blessings you have experienced from other children in your care. We as care givers need to understand from the beginning that we are only in the child’s life for a season. Some children may be long term and for other children you may only be needed for a short period of time.

Early on in our foster care experience we had a child come into care that totally demanded all of our attention to the detriment of the other children. This particular child affected all of those around him including the other children in the home. After doing everything that we could, and being at wits end, one of my older foster children came up and in desperation exclaimed to me, “there are some people that just can’t be fixed.“ Out of the mouth of babes. With much thought and heartache, we came to the conclusion, for the health and well being of everyone else in the home, this child would have to be moved to a home that was more conducive to that child’s needs.

Just recently a foster parent called for advice concerning a child that continued to break the rules, runaway, leaving the family and the home in a state of anxiety. When this happens the parent needs to step back and consider their own mental health, the mental health of the rest of the children that are in the home, the effect that child's behavior is having on all of those involved, and the precedence that it’s setting for the other children in the home.

In our desire as foster parents to constantly fix everything broken, we need to understand that if we didn’t have this desire we wouldn’t be doing foster care. It can become a detriment to the development of the child. For the betterment of the child, when the child has made the decision that they no longer need our help, we need to step back and let the child go. If your home has a revolving door that allows a child to come and go as they please, your own mental health will deteriorate, and the child will never experience any consequences that could bring about a change in their life.

I constantly have to remind myself that fostering children that are not my own comes with a price and is only for a season. The price that is paid for working with traumatized children will in most cases turn your world upside down. Our job is to give the child a safe and secure environment for the time that they are in our home. We had a child that was with us for seven years. When he was 18 he wanted to go back and live with relatives. He wasn’t gone a week before he was back into the drug culture, pornography, and everything else that was vile in his life before he came to live with us.

It would be very easy to allow myself to become bitter and give up the work that we do for children. We cannot allow the mistakes and the bad decisions of one child overshadow the success and the accomplishments of other children that we have had or will have the opportunity to help. There are those children out there, that in the future could use and want someone to help them change their life. If we hang it up because of an experience with one child that we couldn’t help, then the child that is still out there that can be helped, may never have a chance to succeed.

Please look at my heart: Dealing with anger in the Foster Child

Walking to school, dreading every step, wishing to be going anywhere else;  fully knowing that this day was going to be filled with teachers looking down their noses at you for not completing your homework, or even attempting to get it done.  You start counting the cracks in the sidewalk desperately trying to think about something else so you wouldn’t have to think about what was ahead--even reciting stupid rhymes, “step on a crack, you break your mother’s back.”

You're dreading the math teacher who loved to make an example out of the poor student that didn’t have their work done, or hadn’t done the work right.  For sure this was going to be a difficult day to get through.  The homework given the day before wasn’t even looked at…

As the day progressed and each teacher showed their disgust, handing back papers with big red “Fs” on them, anger was brewing in every part of your being.  It’s all been said before, being called a loser, or lazy, emphasizing on everything that was wrong about you, never finding any good--this was just an everyday occurrence.  And you still had to face the math teacher who roared like a lion over a fresh kill.

Then the other children would single you out because you’re different and appear vulnerable.  The verbal bullying and taunts were sometimes harder to cope with than the physical bullying that happened.  Children would come up behind and spit on you, kicking and punching; and of course the laughter and ridicule that accompanied their assaults compounding in your mind, giving you a feeling of absolute worthlessness.

Then you’re told by adults that you have to get your anger under control. If you would just turn the other cheek, and say nice things to those that are persecuting you it will all go away.  Don’t you know that a kind word turns away wrath?  Well, it’s kind of hard to say nice things when all that can be felt is an unquenchable anger that keeps burning you up from the inside out.

Then it’s time for math, “Homework out on your desks, I want to see who doesn’t have it done.”  As he gets closer, the fear and dread of what is about to ensue begins to be replaced with anger and a strong will to survive.  Finally he’s at your desk, nostrils flaring, spewing out words that cut through your soul, letting you and everyone else in class know just how big a loser you are.

Mr. Math Teacher, let me explain.  My father came over to our house last night; you know my parents are getting divorced, don’t you?  He had been drinking again and a terrible fight broke out between him and my mother.  It was over my sister, and the next thing I know he’s got my sister by the throat and he’s choking her.  My sister’s boyfriend tried to get him off, but he got beat up.  My mother tried to pull him off, and he threw her to the ground and started choking her.  I tried to pull him off and got slammed up against the wall.  Lucky this time my big brother was home and was able to pull him off of my mother; she wasn’t looking too good.  This went on most of the night until my grandmother and uncle got there.  Nobody got too much sleep that night, especially after my dad told us that he was going to kill us.  I did hear my sister’s boyfriend say that she wasn’t worth all this, so I don’t think he’ll be back.  Didn’t like him anyway.

 

"Take your math assignment and shove it."  As the filthy words come flowing out, everyone in the class is focused on what is being said.  All that can be seen is bad behavior, not the hurt or pain that fills the heart.  It’s definitely better to be known as a behavioral problem than being academically deficient, and being seen as someone who is incapable of doing their work.

**

This is a common story for many foster children.  Some variations in circumstances, different types of abuse, but still in every case there is this one common denominator.  Dealing with anger brought on by early childhood trauma.  Each child will handle it differently, and some children do quite well; but there will be those children that without the proper help and understanding will end up as another statistic in our penal system.

   

As a foster parent you’re going to have to educate the educators.  You’re going to have to advocate for your child when they have their behavioral outbursts, but at the same time bring the child to the understanding that their behaviors are unacceptable.  This is going to take time and may appear to be getting worse before it gets better.  Only your perseverance and willingness to help the child will bring about change and hope for that child’s future. 

Teaching a Child to Speak With Respect

Being loud doesn’t always mean you’re right.  Having been brought up in a home where expressing anger was the norm in order to manipulate others into doing what was wanted, I learned over time that this type of parenting only masked the behaviors.  More often than not, yelling never initiated change or cultivated a relationship where open communication between parent and child could flourish.

The parenting style of your childhood environment creates the tendency to transfer that style of child rearing onto the next generation, be it good or bad.  A conscious effort has to be made to create a parenting style that is more conducive to teaching the child to correct the behavior rather than just stop the behavior momentarily.

In the 1980’s, a video series, “Turn Your Heart Toward Home,” put out by James Dobson PHD., through Focus on the Family, illustrated different techniques of parenting.  He developed a technique that not only taught the parent how to parent but he stressed a “parent-run" home through strong, loving discipline and building long lasting relationships between parent and child.

  

In our home we initiated a rule that our children could say anything they wanted to say, as long as they spoke with respect.  This opened up a huge avenue for communication, as well as the opportunity to teach, or be taught.  Each child was able to express themselves, knowing that what they had to say was important, and there would be no repercussions as long as they presented their argument in a respectful manner.

Using this approach the parent has to be willing to listen intently at everything the child is saying, allowing the child the opportunity to learn how to express what’s on their heart in a controlled, secure environment.  This approach has tremendous benefits as the child comes into adulthood having learned the ability to communicate in a manner that is positive and non-abrasive.

I must also include a warning.  Using this technique, the parent may possibly find that they had been wrong in the way they approached a given circumstance.  I have found myself in a position at times where I needed to apologize and make right the bad decisions made in the heat of the circumstance.

   

This approach was introduced to my own biological children who had the grace to allow their father the chance to learn the process.  It is incredible how much I have learned from them. It thrills me to be able to stand back and watch how they parent, and their ability to work and communicate with their children.  This far surpasses what I had envisioned.

   

Although much harder to accomplish, and with more obstacles to overcome, we have used this same approach with our foster children.  The biggest obstacle is getting the child just to open up and talk.  Once they do feel secure enough to talk openly, the “respect” aspect needs to be strongly enforced. 

Remember that when the child is presenting their side of the story, the child is giving you the parent, an opportunity to teach.  Make sure that you’re respectful of the child and their feelings at all times.  If the child starts becoming disrespectful, stop them immediately.  Tell them that what they have to say is very important, but the abrasiveness of their presentation is making it hard to listen to the content.  See if the child can de-escalate, and proceed on, or if they need a little time to gather themselves so that they can proceed respectfully.

   

Continue on until there is a resolve to the issue.  Once a child has presented their story, I will ask the child if they feel that they could have handled whatever situation it was, better.  Handling it this way, the child feels that they have a little bit of a say in what goes on in their life.  Don’t become discouraged, this type of communication is going to be foreign for the foster child.  It’s foreign for most biological children.  The outcome of perseverance in this type of communication can open the door to effective communication in the child's adult years.