Picture a young child being dropped off at a location, any location. Maybe she leaves the child in an airport terminal, bus station, maybe even a park where children go to play. Mom tells the young child to wait, that she will be back to pick him up. “Don’t go anywhere, you wait right here.” Hours go by and now people are beginning to take notice that this young child has been sitting in one spot, not moving, and when asked what he’s doing, he just states that he is waiting for his mom.
The authorities have been called. They immediately begin to question the child, trying to find out who this child is and why this child has been left unattended. Pretty soon law enforcement calls CPS who arrives on the scene and starts an investigation into what is going on and where mom has taken off too. The child is taken away from the scene crying because mom had said to wait there. The child knew that mom would surely be back to pick him up and if the he is gone, the mother wouldn’t know where he was and she would be angry because he had disobeyed and had not stayed in his seat.
Fast forward ten years and now we have a little child that has grown into a teenager in stature, but remains that little child still waiting for his mom. Numerous placements--institutions, group homes, foster homes, perspective adoptive homes-- only to end up with the same outcome of constantly being removed from each placement due to angry outbursts and physical aggression. Each time this child is moved, the ability to attach becomes more and more difficult.
The consequence of this rage is always the same--lockdown, isolation, a drug cocktail. Constantly being moved from one home to another, trying to find the perfect fit for this child, that would, at the very least, give him a home that he could possibly stay in for more than just a few months; in one case, for only seven hours.
Then a home is found, the people are incredible, the child is taken to their home for a visit to see if this could possibly be a match. These people are dedicated and want to adopt the young child, bring him to their home and make this child theirs. Whoa, wait a minute, the child thinks, I can’t be adopted. My mom is going to come back and pick me up. She promised that she would come back. If I’m adopted by these people she won’t know where I am, she won’t be able to come back for me. “I want my Mama.”
So, once again this child blows out of what could have been a good home for growth, a home that could encourage healing and wellness, to be cast back into the lockdown group home. Once again this child works through another home, another set of rules, still desperately waiting for a mother to return and pick him up, though down deep he knows she never will. The behaviors become so overwhelming that placement options are almost to the point of being non-existent; then he came to us.
Abandonment is one of the hardest things to get over or to get to a point where you can deal with it on a day to day basis. Then you have some children who grow into adults and never get over it. It has been our experience that the child that has been abandoned, no matter how abusive their situation was or how much they blame mom for not protecting them, is still waiting for mom to come back into their life to make it all right even though it was never right in the first place.
This particular young man, after being with us for a short time, began crying for his mother, “I want my mama, I want my mama.” “Sorry buddy, but the harsh reality is mom is never going to come back and pick you up,” I had to tell him. This five year old child stuck in a teenage body wailing uncontrollably, crying out “I want my mama, I want my mama.” And to each time we reiterated back to him that mama is not going to come back. As he was mourning over this and sobbing, I kept telling him that although mom was never going to come back and pick him up, he has been picked up. Nancy and I have picked him up, and he’s here now for the duration. After being allowed to properly mourn, he got up the following morning, threw his arms around Nancy, and told her, “thank you, I love you.”
Some children may never get picked up...may never find a place where they can feel at home. Some children may spend their lives searching for something they may never be able to obtain. If their own mother can leave them...the one person we would think would be obligated to love and care for them, how can they ever trust, bond, have hope? All we can do as foster parents is provide a safe environment where these children can mourn this immense loss and hopefully find some healing and sense of belonging after enduring something no child should ever endure.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Every Traumatized Child Needs Their “Lieutenant Dan Moment”
Try to envision yourself being dragged out of your home by people you don’t know, to be put into some stranger’s home with strange sounds--it even smells different. You are pulled away from the only life that you have ever known, thrust into a life of intense boundaries, rules, and expectations.
Try to feel how angry you would be and how you would want to unleash this anger on everything and everyone around you. These strangers that pulled you out of your house are trying to be sympathetic with you and work through this trauma, but they have a job to do-- keeping you safe, even though you did not know that you were not safe.
Try to understand that this anger that you have has been manifesting within you for years because of the unsafe environment that you were growing up in. The problem is you didn’t realize this environment was unsafe, because this is what you grew up in. This is the only life that you ever knew and to you this is normal… doesn’t everybody live like this?
This is part of a scenario that happens every day across our country. Parents create environments for their children that are harmful and unsafe. Children are removed from their parents, separating them from the only structure that they ever knew. We then expect these children to act like nothing ever happened. We expect a little crying and sadness, but never the screaming and especially the over the top temper tantrums where the child is cussing at you and everyone around you. Although hitting, kicking, spitting, and biting should be expected, it is often not, and then the children sometimes “connect” with their little assault.
People who care for children need to understand that the onslaught is not a personal attack against you. They are not angry with you. They are really angry with the ones that should have made for them an environment in which they could grow up feeling safe and secure. You are the one that is closest to them and you are the one that is going to receive the brunt of their aggression and anger for all of their hurts, fears, and disappointments that have riddled their young life.
This is what we call their “Lieutenant Dan Moment.” In the movie Forrest Gump when Lieutenant Dan was up on the mask of the ship screaming out at God for all of the injustices that he felt he had received in his life, a shift took place. He was able to get angry and scream from the depth of his soul, ridding himself of all of the pent up garbage that had accumulated and had never been dealt with. The Lieutenant was able to do this with his best friend--someone that was totally non-judgmental and knew that his friend needed to purge himself. After the incident Forrest made this profound statement, “Lieutenant Dan got himself right with God that day.”
Children in care for the most part don’t have the luxury of the Lieutenant Dan moment. If a child acts out and appears to be out of control, they are rushed off to the doctor where they are immediately put on medication to try to eliminate these outbreaks, so there won’t be a disruption in placement. The child’s anger is squelched by keeping him in a drug induced stupor. This does not teach the child how to deal with their anger, it only masks it. The anger is still there.
A child in our care came to a point where he could no longer hold this anger in. He misses his mom, and is angry because she did not take care of him. His feeling of loss and abandonment overwhelmed him and when it got to a point where he could no longer contain it on his own he blew. The other children quickly removed themselves from the area, and I let him vent. When he was done, I went up to him, looking him in the eye and asked, “Do you feel better now?” His reply was, “Yes I do.” I told him “Understand that what you have just done had you removed from your other placements, but you are not going anywhere but here. You have to get the garbage out, to make room for the good things that are waiting for you in life. This is your home, we are going to get through this together.” At that point he grabbed onto me, telling me over and over again “thank you, thank you.”
It is our calling in life as foster care givers to help these children heal. If we are not up for the task, who will be? The only alternative for these children is a group home, juvenile detention center, or the state hospital, where they won’t heal, they’re just housed. Every one of these children at some point in time in their own way will have their ”Lieutenant Dan” moment. Allow them to do that, be ready for it and help them heal. If not you, then who?
Try to feel how angry you would be and how you would want to unleash this anger on everything and everyone around you. These strangers that pulled you out of your house are trying to be sympathetic with you and work through this trauma, but they have a job to do-- keeping you safe, even though you did not know that you were not safe.
Try to understand that this anger that you have has been manifesting within you for years because of the unsafe environment that you were growing up in. The problem is you didn’t realize this environment was unsafe, because this is what you grew up in. This is the only life that you ever knew and to you this is normal… doesn’t everybody live like this?
This is part of a scenario that happens every day across our country. Parents create environments for their children that are harmful and unsafe. Children are removed from their parents, separating them from the only structure that they ever knew. We then expect these children to act like nothing ever happened. We expect a little crying and sadness, but never the screaming and especially the over the top temper tantrums where the child is cussing at you and everyone around you. Although hitting, kicking, spitting, and biting should be expected, it is often not, and then the children sometimes “connect” with their little assault.
People who care for children need to understand that the onslaught is not a personal attack against you. They are not angry with you. They are really angry with the ones that should have made for them an environment in which they could grow up feeling safe and secure. You are the one that is closest to them and you are the one that is going to receive the brunt of their aggression and anger for all of their hurts, fears, and disappointments that have riddled their young life.
This is what we call their “Lieutenant Dan Moment.” In the movie Forrest Gump when Lieutenant Dan was up on the mask of the ship screaming out at God for all of the injustices that he felt he had received in his life, a shift took place. He was able to get angry and scream from the depth of his soul, ridding himself of all of the pent up garbage that had accumulated and had never been dealt with. The Lieutenant was able to do this with his best friend--someone that was totally non-judgmental and knew that his friend needed to purge himself. After the incident Forrest made this profound statement, “Lieutenant Dan got himself right with God that day.”
Children in care for the most part don’t have the luxury of the Lieutenant Dan moment. If a child acts out and appears to be out of control, they are rushed off to the doctor where they are immediately put on medication to try to eliminate these outbreaks, so there won’t be a disruption in placement. The child’s anger is squelched by keeping him in a drug induced stupor. This does not teach the child how to deal with their anger, it only masks it. The anger is still there.
A child in our care came to a point where he could no longer hold this anger in. He misses his mom, and is angry because she did not take care of him. His feeling of loss and abandonment overwhelmed him and when it got to a point where he could no longer contain it on his own he blew. The other children quickly removed themselves from the area, and I let him vent. When he was done, I went up to him, looking him in the eye and asked, “Do you feel better now?” His reply was, “Yes I do.” I told him “Understand that what you have just done had you removed from your other placements, but you are not going anywhere but here. You have to get the garbage out, to make room for the good things that are waiting for you in life. This is your home, we are going to get through this together.” At that point he grabbed onto me, telling me over and over again “thank you, thank you.”
It is our calling in life as foster care givers to help these children heal. If we are not up for the task, who will be? The only alternative for these children is a group home, juvenile detention center, or the state hospital, where they won’t heal, they’re just housed. Every one of these children at some point in time in their own way will have their ”Lieutenant Dan” moment. Allow them to do that, be ready for it and help them heal. If not you, then who?
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