Nancy and I periodically have people contact us, wanting to pick our brain concerning the pros and cons surrounding foster care. There is one couple that comes to mind every time I talk to someone in regards to foster care and knowing what you can handle. These people are a prime example why when working with children in foster care you don’t want to get in over your head.
We had known this couple for years but it wasn’t until after we had been in foster care for a number of years and one of our boys was graduating from high school that they made mention that they were interested and wanted to get together with us before they went forward with the training. That was the last time we saw them for over six months until we saw them coming up the steps at the DSHS office in Spokane, Washington.
After exchanging pleasantries, I proceeded to ask them what they were doing at the DSHS office. “We’re foster parents,” they both blurted out. “We have been licensed, and we are taking placement of a sibling group of three today.” “Wow, that’s incredible, what do you know about these children,” was all I could say. They proceeded to tell me that they were sorry that they didn’t get a hold of us and that it all just happened so quickly. They had made the decision to be foster parents and they decided to jump in with both feet, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. They went on to say that they had been told that there wasn’t any information, nothing on these children except that they were coming from a BRS home, which stands for Behavior Rehabilitation Services.
“Do you know what BRS stands for?” I exclaimed. “There are volumes of information on each one of these children, that is why you should have sought out counsel from someone, it doesn’t matter if you get the information from us or not.” The woman looked at Nancy and myself and exclaimed, “If it doesn’t work out, we’ll just give them back.” Nancy was appalled and said “These are children, not puppy dogs, every time these children are moved it sets them back significantly.” One and a half weeks later after taking placement they gave the children back, claiming that they couldn’t handle the behaviors. They were not prepared for the type of behaviors these children exhibited and it had taken them over the top. To date they are no longer foster parents.
I know these people and they are good people, well liked in the community, always willing to lend a hand or volunteer when needed. Their problem was that they were not prepared, didn’t understand their limitations, and got themselves in over their head. I would like to say that this is uncommon, but I hear about this happening quite often. The biggest problem we have with this occurrence is that we lose valuable resources every time we lose foster parents, and every time a child is moved, it makes it that much harder for the child to attach.
Understanding and knowing what your capabilities are before you take on any given task is just using good common sense. Always look for those that are doing the job and doing it well and glean from their experience. Never be too proud to ask for help or guidance. The very future of the child in your care, or the child coming into your care needs for you to be in control, understanding before the child comes into care what you should expect so you can help the child to heal and become successful.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Knowing Your Limitations
Having an understanding of what our limits are is crucial when working with traumatized children.
When I was thirteen years of age, I had a job breaking and working out horses at a boarding stable that not only boarded horses, but also bought and sold horses. They would go to the local slaughterhouse where the owners of the stable would buy them for a cheap price. They would pick through the horses trying to choose those that looked good enough and with the minimal amount of work they felt they could bring around to a point where they could sell them and make a profit.
One day they came back with what I would say was the most beautiful horse that I have ever seen. This horse was a Golden Palomino with a flowing flaxen mane and tail standing just under fifteen hands. I knew that nobody would send this horse to the slaughterhouse without good reason, there had to be something wrong and I was right. I soon found out why this horse had been discarded.
This horse would allow you to put on the bridle, saddle, lead him, pet him, and lunge him. This horse would even put its head into your chest and want the top of his head rubbed. The owners of the stable wanted me to hurry up and get into the saddle and ride this horse out because they already had this horse sold to a little twelve year old girl who at first sight had fallen in love with him and wanted to take the horse home with her.
The very moment after swinging my leg over the horse’s back and getting settled into the saddle, this horse erupted. First it started bucking, and throwing itself up against the corral trying to get me off of its back. When that didn’t work, the horse lunged forward, rearing up, and throwing itself on its back, trying to crush me under its weight. When I felt the horse rearing backwards I had thrown myself off of the right side, trying to get out of the way.
I spent a month trying to get that horse ready for that little girl, because she had fallen in love with him and was blinded by his beauty and wasn’t looking at his character. I got him to where he wasn’t bucking or rearing over backwards, at least in the arena. I was told to take him out on the trails and ride him out, because the people that had bought him were going to be coming in to take possession of him. Everything was going well; the horse was obeying commands and riding out well when all of a sudden with no warning it threw itself on its back once again trying to crush me under its weight. I was able to get off in time, grabbed the reins and at that point walked the horse back. There was no way that I was going to get back in the saddle; I was done with this animal.
When I got back to the stable the little girl came running up to her horse, along with her father. I looked at her father and told him, “if you put her on this horse, this horse will kill her, or hurt her really bad.” It was good to see that this father had common sense and asked for his money back even over the protests of his daughter. I remember her looking at me with tears in her eyes telling me how much she hated me. The owners of the stable were quick to fire me, kicking me out of their place and telling me that I wouldn’t be getting paid for the work that had been done for them.
Like this horse there are children that have been so severely traumatized and abused that no matter what you do or how much time you spend trying to help them you cannot undo the damage that has happened to their brain in early stages of development.
If you take in one of these children and find that you are unable to cope with the behaviors, rest assured that those affiliated with the child will be looking for someone to point the finger at and you the foster parent will most likely be the one. It is apparent in our society that there always has to be someone besides those that actually caused the damage to shoulder the blame. Understand the process, hold to your guns, and you’ll get through it. We live in a culture of armchair quarterbacks that believe they have the answer, even though they lack the ability to make the play.
Move on from this realizing that there are so many children out there that can be helped and want to do well, as compared to the one child you can’t help. It’s human nature to mourn the one that has to leave instead of rejoicing in the ones that benefit from your home and talents. You the foster parent didn’t birth this child; you didn’t abuse, neglect or abandon them. You are not the reason that their behaviors are out of control, or their young lives are filled with trauma, fear, or mental illness. You are the one that is trying to help, and sometimes the damage is so severe that the child is beyond help. Continuing to try will only create an unsavory environment not only for yourself but also for the other children in your home.
Everyone needs to feel safe in their own home, and when someone creates an atmosphere of fear or anxiety within the family unit, that person needs to either stop doing what they’re doing or for the health and wellbeing of all others in the home, they need to leave.
There are always going to be those workers that have no regard for the wellbeing of the foster parent or the existing children in your home. They try to place in your home those children that you don’t have the capacity, training, or the experience to cope with, let alone help. Be aware of your abilities and limitations and go with what you know. Do not be afraid to say “no” if you do not have the training or ability to care for this high needs child.
When I was thirteen years of age, I had a job breaking and working out horses at a boarding stable that not only boarded horses, but also bought and sold horses. They would go to the local slaughterhouse where the owners of the stable would buy them for a cheap price. They would pick through the horses trying to choose those that looked good enough and with the minimal amount of work they felt they could bring around to a point where they could sell them and make a profit.
One day they came back with what I would say was the most beautiful horse that I have ever seen. This horse was a Golden Palomino with a flowing flaxen mane and tail standing just under fifteen hands. I knew that nobody would send this horse to the slaughterhouse without good reason, there had to be something wrong and I was right. I soon found out why this horse had been discarded.
This horse would allow you to put on the bridle, saddle, lead him, pet him, and lunge him. This horse would even put its head into your chest and want the top of his head rubbed. The owners of the stable wanted me to hurry up and get into the saddle and ride this horse out because they already had this horse sold to a little twelve year old girl who at first sight had fallen in love with him and wanted to take the horse home with her.
The very moment after swinging my leg over the horse’s back and getting settled into the saddle, this horse erupted. First it started bucking, and throwing itself up against the corral trying to get me off of its back. When that didn’t work, the horse lunged forward, rearing up, and throwing itself on its back, trying to crush me under its weight. When I felt the horse rearing backwards I had thrown myself off of the right side, trying to get out of the way.
I spent a month trying to get that horse ready for that little girl, because she had fallen in love with him and was blinded by his beauty and wasn’t looking at his character. I got him to where he wasn’t bucking or rearing over backwards, at least in the arena. I was told to take him out on the trails and ride him out, because the people that had bought him were going to be coming in to take possession of him. Everything was going well; the horse was obeying commands and riding out well when all of a sudden with no warning it threw itself on its back once again trying to crush me under its weight. I was able to get off in time, grabbed the reins and at that point walked the horse back. There was no way that I was going to get back in the saddle; I was done with this animal.
When I got back to the stable the little girl came running up to her horse, along with her father. I looked at her father and told him, “if you put her on this horse, this horse will kill her, or hurt her really bad.” It was good to see that this father had common sense and asked for his money back even over the protests of his daughter. I remember her looking at me with tears in her eyes telling me how much she hated me. The owners of the stable were quick to fire me, kicking me out of their place and telling me that I wouldn’t be getting paid for the work that had been done for them.
Like this horse there are children that have been so severely traumatized and abused that no matter what you do or how much time you spend trying to help them you cannot undo the damage that has happened to their brain in early stages of development.
If you take in one of these children and find that you are unable to cope with the behaviors, rest assured that those affiliated with the child will be looking for someone to point the finger at and you the foster parent will most likely be the one. It is apparent in our society that there always has to be someone besides those that actually caused the damage to shoulder the blame. Understand the process, hold to your guns, and you’ll get through it. We live in a culture of armchair quarterbacks that believe they have the answer, even though they lack the ability to make the play.
Move on from this realizing that there are so many children out there that can be helped and want to do well, as compared to the one child you can’t help. It’s human nature to mourn the one that has to leave instead of rejoicing in the ones that benefit from your home and talents. You the foster parent didn’t birth this child; you didn’t abuse, neglect or abandon them. You are not the reason that their behaviors are out of control, or their young lives are filled with trauma, fear, or mental illness. You are the one that is trying to help, and sometimes the damage is so severe that the child is beyond help. Continuing to try will only create an unsavory environment not only for yourself but also for the other children in your home.
Everyone needs to feel safe in their own home, and when someone creates an atmosphere of fear or anxiety within the family unit, that person needs to either stop doing what they’re doing or for the health and wellbeing of all others in the home, they need to leave.
There are always going to be those workers that have no regard for the wellbeing of the foster parent or the existing children in your home. They try to place in your home those children that you don’t have the capacity, training, or the experience to cope with, let alone help. Be aware of your abilities and limitations and go with what you know. Do not be afraid to say “no” if you do not have the training or ability to care for this high needs child.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)