A
pastor of a local church asked me just the other day how I handle
children that don’t accept me as being their dad. He went on to
ask if I ever had a child in our home remind me that I wasn’t
their father and, if so, how did I handle it? I was curious as to
why he had asked this particular question because I had already
chosen this topic as this week’s blog. This is a question that I
hear over and over again from many foster parents, adoptive parents,
and also step-parents, although it’s usually from foster parents.
He
went on to tell me about a man who has had constant turmoil between
himself and his stepson. The stepson is full of anger and lashes out
at everything. He won’t take any instruction from the stepfather
and constantly tells him that he doesn’t have to listen to anything
the stepfather says because “you’re not my real father.”
This
is a common occurrence with children being raised by non-biological
parents. The topic always seems to come up when tensions are high and
the battle lines have been drawn. Unfortunately for the
non-biological parents trying to raise this child, they are going to
find themselves fighting this battle alone. The biological parents,
in a lot of cases, spend most of their time trying to be the child’s
friend instead of being the parent. To avoid this, you’re going to
need guidelines and a complete understanding of what everyone’s
roles are; parents and the child. All parents involved with the
raising of the child need to be on board with the disciplining;
otherwise the child will triangulate the parents and leave them
ineffective.
I
went on to explain to the pastor what I do to try to circumvent this
from happening, even though it still does from time to time. Before
we have a child placed a into our home, we first sit down with the
child and basically interview him. In this interview we have written
down over thirty questions, or statements that end up with a
question. All this is designed to get a response from the child, and
to make him understand what the rules are, where they fit in the
scheme of things, and give the child the understanding that there
isn’t anything left to their interpretation.
In
one of those statements, I tell the child that I understand that I am
not their father and Nancy isn’t their mother. Nancy didn’t
conceive them or give birth to them, nor did I have anything to do
with bringing them into the world. Then I ask them if they
understood what I just said? I go on to tell them that Nancy and I
are the parents and that their job is to be the child, and children
will do what they are told to do. For whatever period of time we are
in their lives, whether it be short term or long term, we will work
in the capacity of being parents.
At
no time will Nancy or I try to take the place of their father or
mother. They will also honor their biological father and mother, and
I don’t ever want to hear anything being said about them that is
derogatory or downgrading to their character. In turn they will
never hear Nancy or me say anything that is derogatory or downgrading
to their character, “do you understand?”
By
doing this, what you’re doing is taking away any type of
competition between yourself and the biological parents. It doesn’t
matter how horrible the parents were to the children, and what
horrendous things were done to the children, the loyalty that
children have to their biological parents is strong. If children
don’t feel that they have to give up their loyalty to their
biological mother and father by attaching to you, your success with
helping children and raising them up will be far less difficult.
It’s going to be difficult enough without having to fight against
the bond of blood.
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