How hard it must be for a child to be taken away from the only existence they have ever known and be thrust into a world of the unknown. Some of these children come into foster care with so much anger and hurt that it is almost impossible to help them, leaving the foster parent with a sense of despair.
How many times in a fit of anger has the foster parent heard, “ you’re not my mom; you’re not my dad.” These words cut into the heart and soul of any person that has opened up their heart to allow a traumatized child to be a part of their life. The foster parent that has given everything--their life, opening up their home to a stranger, their time and energy, but receives nothing in return for all that has been done, will soon burn out and find themselves having no more to give.
In my experience this has been an exception to the rule, rather than the rule. But if allowed to, the indifference of one child will offset the accomplishments and the blessings you have experienced from other children in your care. We as care givers need to understand from the beginning that we are only in the child’s life for a season. Some children may be long term and for other children you may only be needed for a short period of time.
Early on in our foster care experience we had a child come into care that totally demanded all of our attention to the detriment of the other children. This particular child affected all of those around him including the other children in the home. After doing everything that we could, and being at wits end, one of my older foster children came up and in desperation exclaimed to me, “there are some people that just can’t be fixed.“ Out of the mouth of babes. With much thought and heartache, we came to the conclusion, for the health and well being of everyone else in the home, this child would have to be moved to a home that was more conducive to that child’s needs.
Just recently a foster parent called for advice concerning a child that continued to break the rules, runaway, leaving the family and the home in a state of anxiety. When this happens the parent needs to step back and consider their own mental health, the mental health of the rest of the children that are in the home, the effect that child's behavior is having on all of those involved, and the precedence that it’s setting for the other children in the home.
In our desire as foster parents to constantly fix everything broken, we need to understand that if we didn’t have this desire we wouldn’t be doing foster care. It can become a detriment to the development of the child. For the betterment of the child, when the child has made the decision that they no longer need our help, we need to step back and let the child go. If your home has a revolving door that allows a child to come and go as they please, your own mental health will deteriorate, and the child will never experience any consequences that could bring about a change in their life.
I constantly have to remind myself that fostering children that are not my own comes with a price and is only for a season. The price that is paid for working with traumatized children will in most cases turn your world upside down. Our job is to give the child a safe and secure environment for the time that they are in our home. We had a child that was with us for seven years. When he was 18 he wanted to go back and live with relatives. He wasn’t gone a week before he was back into the drug culture, pornography, and everything else that was vile in his life before he came to live with us.
It would be very easy to allow myself to become bitter and give up the work that we do for children. We cannot allow the mistakes and the bad decisions of one child overshadow the success and the accomplishments of other children that we have had or will have the opportunity to help. There are those children out there, that in the future could use and want someone to help them change their life. If we hang it up because of an experience with one child that we couldn’t help, then the child that is still out there that can be helped, may never have a chance to succeed.
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