Behavior Modification Through Medication

Children with behavioral problems, especially in the foster care system, easily end up on medication. Anti-psychotic medication is given for depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and social anxiety. If you read the warning label on these drugs for side effects, note that they can cause new or worsening mood changes, agitation, depression, severe anxiety, suicidal thoughts or attempts, and a host of other symptoms. It appears that if the patient didn’t have the diagnosis that prompted administration of these drugs initially, the patient could very well end up with the symptoms and the diagnosis after taking them.

There are those that truly have a chemical imbalance in their brain and need medication to help balance out what their body isn’t producing naturally. However, after working with teens in the foster care system for over nine years, my conclusion is that most children are medicated in the attempt not to stabilize the child, but to keep placement from being disrupted.

One of our first placements came to us on two very high doses of anti-psychotic meds, topped off with ADD/ADHD medication because this child had a hard time concentrating, was aggressive, always restless, and according to the care providers that he lived with before coming to live with us, he was very irritable. A few months after living with us, and under the supervision of a medical professional, we were able to take him off of all medications. One month after being off of the meds, he came up to Nancy, threw his arms around her in a big hug, and thanked her saying, “I have been on these meds since I was eight years old, and I have never seen the world so clearly as I do now.”

The social worker that had placed the child in our home was concerned that without the meds there would be a blow out and a disruption in placement. We wanted to see who this child was without the drug induced mask. Our philosophy from the start has been and continues to be, if the child is on medication to modify behaviors, and the child continues to act out with extreme behaviors, the meds must not be working and another course of action needs to be attempted.

Changing behaviors, especially in traumatized children doesn’t happen overnight, and there usually is never a quick fix. It takes time and patience to bring about a positive change that will help the child become successful in life after foster care. Those that work with traumatized children need to equip themselves through education, and gleaning from others that are doing the work and are successful. Only through education and experience will a foster parent be capable of handling the behaviors when they appear.

As caregivers we must work hard with medical providers to get these children off of medication that has the potential to destroy their vital organs and hinder social development. Once a child has aged out of care, the chances of them continuing to take the meds, let alone being able to afford the meds becomes, for the most part, non-existent.

Never do this on your own, always work with a medical provider when removing children off of medication. Understand that there are those children that do need medication to be able to function, although that should be an exception to the rule, not the rule.

Foster Parenting: "You're not my real Mom/Dad"

A pastor of a local church asked me just the other day how I handle children that don’t accept me as being their dad. He went on to ask if I ever had a child in our home remind me that I wasn’t their father and, if so, how did I handle it? I was curious as to why he had asked this particular question because I had already chosen this topic as this week’s blog. This is a question that I hear over and over again from many foster parents, adoptive parents, and also step-parents, although it’s usually from foster parents.

He went on to tell me about a man who has had constant turmoil between himself and his stepson. The stepson is full of anger and lashes out at everything. He won’t take any instruction from the stepfather and constantly tells him that he doesn’t have to listen to anything the stepfather says because “you’re not my real father.”

This is a common occurrence with children being raised by non-biological parents. The topic always seems to come up when tensions are high and the battle lines have been drawn. Unfortunately for the non-biological parents trying to raise this child, they are going to find themselves fighting this battle alone. The biological parents, in a lot of cases, spend most of their time trying to be the child’s friend instead of being the parent. To avoid this, you’re going to need guidelines and a complete understanding of what everyone’s roles are; parents and the child. All parents involved with the raising of the child need to be on board with the disciplining; otherwise the child will triangulate the parents and leave them ineffective.

I went on to explain to the pastor what I do to try to circumvent this from happening, even though it still does from time to time. Before we have a child placed a into our home, we first sit down with the child and basically interview him. In this interview we have written down over thirty questions, or statements that end up with a question. All this is designed to get a response from the child, and to make him understand what the rules are, where they fit in the scheme of things, and give the child the understanding that there isn’t anything left to their interpretation.

In one of those statements, I tell the child that I understand that I am not their father and Nancy isn’t their mother. Nancy didn’t conceive them or give birth to them, nor did I have anything to do with bringing them into the world. Then I ask them if they understood what I just said? I go on to tell them that Nancy and I are the parents and that their job is to be the child, and children will do what they are told to do. For whatever period of time we are in their lives, whether it be short term or long term, we will work in the capacity of being parents.

At no time will Nancy or I try to take the place of their father or mother. They will also honor their biological father and mother, and I don’t ever want to hear anything being said about them that is derogatory or downgrading to their character. In turn they will never hear Nancy or me say anything that is derogatory or downgrading to their character, “do you understand?”

By doing this, what you’re doing is taking away any type of competition between yourself and the biological parents. It doesn’t matter how horrible the parents were to the children, and what horrendous things were done to the children, the loyalty that children have to their biological parents is strong. If children don’t feel that they have to give up their loyalty to their biological mother and father by attaching to you, your success with helping children and raising them up will be far less difficult. It’s going to be difficult enough without having to fight against the bond of blood.

The Unreachable Foster Child: When Is It Time To Let Go?

How hard it must be for a child to be taken away from the only existence they have ever known and be thrust into a world of the unknown. Some of these children come into foster care with so much anger and hurt that it is almost impossible to help them, leaving the foster parent with a sense of despair.
How many times in a fit of anger has the foster parent heard, “ you’re not my mom; you’re not my dad.” These words cut into the heart and soul of any person that has opened up their heart to allow a traumatized child to be a part of their life. The foster parent that has given everything--their life, opening up their home to a stranger, their time and energy, but receives nothing in return for all that has been done, will soon burn out and find themselves having no more to give.

In my experience this has been an exception to the rule, rather than the rule. But if allowed to, the indifference of one child will offset the accomplishments and the blessings you have experienced from other children in your care. We as care givers need to understand from the beginning that we are only in the child’s life for a season. Some children may be long term and for other children you may only be needed for a short period of time.

Early on in our foster care experience we had a child come into care that totally demanded all of our attention to the detriment of the other children. This particular child affected all of those around him including the other children in the home. After doing everything that we could, and being at wits end, one of my older foster children came up and in desperation exclaimed to me, “there are some people that just can’t be fixed.“ Out of the mouth of babes. With much thought and heartache, we came to the conclusion, for the health and well being of everyone else in the home, this child would have to be moved to a home that was more conducive to that child’s needs.

Just recently a foster parent called for advice concerning a child that continued to break the rules, runaway, leaving the family and the home in a state of anxiety. When this happens the parent needs to step back and consider their own mental health, the mental health of the rest of the children that are in the home, the effect that child's behavior is having on all of those involved, and the precedence that it’s setting for the other children in the home.

In our desire as foster parents to constantly fix everything broken, we need to understand that if we didn’t have this desire we wouldn’t be doing foster care. It can become a detriment to the development of the child. For the betterment of the child, when the child has made the decision that they no longer need our help, we need to step back and let the child go. If your home has a revolving door that allows a child to come and go as they please, your own mental health will deteriorate, and the child will never experience any consequences that could bring about a change in their life.

I constantly have to remind myself that fostering children that are not my own comes with a price and is only for a season. The price that is paid for working with traumatized children will in most cases turn your world upside down. Our job is to give the child a safe and secure environment for the time that they are in our home. We had a child that was with us for seven years. When he was 18 he wanted to go back and live with relatives. He wasn’t gone a week before he was back into the drug culture, pornography, and everything else that was vile in his life before he came to live with us.

It would be very easy to allow myself to become bitter and give up the work that we do for children. We cannot allow the mistakes and the bad decisions of one child overshadow the success and the accomplishments of other children that we have had or will have the opportunity to help. There are those children out there, that in the future could use and want someone to help them change their life. If we hang it up because of an experience with one child that we couldn’t help, then the child that is still out there that can be helped, may never have a chance to succeed.