Walking to school, dreading every step, wishing to be going anywhere else; fully knowing that this day was going to be filled with teachers looking down their noses at you for not completing your homework, or even attempting to get it done. You start counting the cracks in the sidewalk desperately trying to think about something else so you wouldn’t have to think about what was ahead--even reciting stupid rhymes, “step on a crack, you break your mother’s back.”
You're dreading the math teacher who loved to make an example out of the poor student that didn’t have their work done, or hadn’t done the work right. For sure this was going to be a difficult day to get through. The homework given the day before wasn’t even looked at…
As the day progressed and each teacher showed their disgust, handing back papers with big red “Fs” on them, anger was brewing in every part of your being. It’s all been said before, being called a loser, or lazy, emphasizing on everything that was wrong about you, never finding any good--this was just an everyday occurrence. And you still had to face the math teacher who roared like a lion over a fresh kill.
Then the other children would single you out because you’re different and appear vulnerable. The verbal bullying and taunts were sometimes harder to cope with than the physical bullying that happened. Children would come up behind and spit on you, kicking and punching; and of course the laughter and ridicule that accompanied their assaults compounding in your mind, giving you a feeling of absolute worthlessness.
Then you’re told by adults that you have to get your anger under control. If you would just turn the other cheek, and say nice things to those that are persecuting you it will all go away. Don’t you know that a kind word turns away wrath? Well, it’s kind of hard to say nice things when all that can be felt is an unquenchable anger that keeps burning you up from the inside out.
Then it’s time for math, “Homework out on your desks, I want to see who doesn’t have it done.” As he gets closer, the fear and dread of what is about to ensue begins to be replaced with anger and a strong will to survive. Finally he’s at your desk, nostrils flaring, spewing out words that cut through your soul, letting you and everyone else in class know just how big a loser you are.
Mr. Math Teacher, let me explain. My father came over to our house last night; you know my parents are getting divorced, don’t you? He had been drinking again and a terrible fight broke out between him and my mother. It was over my sister, and the next thing I know he’s got my sister by the throat and he’s choking her. My sister’s boyfriend tried to get him off, but he got beat up. My mother tried to pull him off, and he threw her to the ground and started choking her. I tried to pull him off and got slammed up against the wall. Lucky this time my big brother was home and was able to pull him off of my mother; she wasn’t looking too good. This went on most of the night until my grandmother and uncle got there. Nobody got too much sleep that night, especially after my dad told us that he was going to kill us. I did hear my sister’s boyfriend say that she wasn’t worth all this, so I don’t think he’ll be back. Didn’t like him anyway.
"Take your math assignment and shove it." As the filthy words come flowing out, everyone in the class is focused on what is being said. All that can be seen is bad behavior, not the hurt or pain that fills the heart. It’s definitely better to be known as a behavioral problem than being academically deficient, and being seen as someone who is incapable of doing their work.
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This is a common story for many foster children. Some variations in circumstances, different types of abuse, but still in every case there is this one common denominator. Dealing with anger brought on by early childhood trauma. Each child will handle it differently, and some children do quite well; but there will be those children that without the proper help and understanding will end up as another statistic in our penal system.
As a foster parent you’re going to have to educate the educators. You’re going to have to advocate for your child when they have their behavioral outbursts, but at the same time bring the child to the understanding that their behaviors are unacceptable. This is going to take time and may appear to be getting worse before it gets better. Only your perseverance and willingness to help the child will bring about change and hope for that child’s future.
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