Picture a young child being dropped off at a location, any location. Maybe she leaves the child in an airport terminal, bus station, maybe even a park where children go to play. Mom tells the young child to wait, that she will be back to pick him up. “Don’t go anywhere, you wait right here.” Hours go by and now people are beginning to take notice that this young child has been sitting in one spot, not moving, and when asked what he’s doing, he just states that he is waiting for his mom.
The authorities have been called. They immediately begin to question the child, trying to find out who this child is and why this child has been left unattended. Pretty soon law enforcement calls CPS who arrives on the scene and starts an investigation into what is going on and where mom has taken off too. The child is taken away from the scene crying because mom had said to wait there. The child knew that mom would surely be back to pick him up and if the he is gone, the mother wouldn’t know where he was and she would be angry because he had disobeyed and had not stayed in his seat.
Fast forward ten years and now we have a little child that has grown into a teenager in stature, but remains that little child still waiting for his mom. Numerous placements--institutions, group homes, foster homes, perspective adoptive homes-- only to end up with the same outcome of constantly being removed from each placement due to angry outbursts and physical aggression. Each time this child is moved, the ability to attach becomes more and more difficult.
The consequence of this rage is always the same--lockdown, isolation, a drug cocktail. Constantly being moved from one home to another, trying to find the perfect fit for this child, that would, at the very least, give him a home that he could possibly stay in for more than just a few months; in one case, for only seven hours.
Then a home is found, the people are incredible, the child is taken to their home for a visit to see if this could possibly be a match. These people are dedicated and want to adopt the young child, bring him to their home and make this child theirs. Whoa, wait a minute, the child thinks, I can’t be adopted. My mom is going to come back and pick me up. She promised that she would come back. If I’m adopted by these people she won’t know where I am, she won’t be able to come back for me. “I want my Mama.”
So, once again this child blows out of what could have been a good home for growth, a home that could encourage healing and wellness, to be cast back into the lockdown group home. Once again this child works through another home, another set of rules, still desperately waiting for a mother to return and pick him up, though down deep he knows she never will. The behaviors become so overwhelming that placement options are almost to the point of being non-existent; then he came to us.
Abandonment is one of the hardest things to get over or to get to a point where you can deal with it on a day to day basis. Then you have some children who grow into adults and never get over it. It has been our experience that the child that has been abandoned, no matter how abusive their situation was or how much they blame mom for not protecting them, is still waiting for mom to come back into their life to make it all right even though it was never right in the first place.
This particular young man, after being with us for a short time, began crying for his mother, “I want my mama, I want my mama.” “Sorry buddy, but the harsh reality is mom is never going to come back and pick you up,” I had to tell him. This five year old child stuck in a teenage body wailing uncontrollably, crying out “I want my mama, I want my mama.” And to each time we reiterated back to him that mama is not going to come back. As he was mourning over this and sobbing, I kept telling him that although mom was never going to come back and pick him up, he has been picked up. Nancy and I have picked him up, and he’s here now for the duration. After being allowed to properly mourn, he got up the following morning, threw his arms around Nancy, and told her, “thank you, I love you.”
Some children may never get picked up...may never find a place where they can feel at home. Some children may spend their lives searching for something they may never be able to obtain. If their own mother can leave them...the one person we would think would be obligated to love and care for them, how can they ever trust, bond, have hope? All we can do as foster parents is provide a safe environment where these children can mourn this immense loss and hopefully find some healing and sense of belonging after enduring something no child should ever endure.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Every Traumatized Child Needs Their “Lieutenant Dan Moment”
Try to envision yourself being dragged out of your home by people you don’t know, to be put into some stranger’s home with strange sounds--it even smells different. You are pulled away from the only life that you have ever known, thrust into a life of intense boundaries, rules, and expectations.
Try to feel how angry you would be and how you would want to unleash this anger on everything and everyone around you. These strangers that pulled you out of your house are trying to be sympathetic with you and work through this trauma, but they have a job to do-- keeping you safe, even though you did not know that you were not safe.
Try to understand that this anger that you have has been manifesting within you for years because of the unsafe environment that you were growing up in. The problem is you didn’t realize this environment was unsafe, because this is what you grew up in. This is the only life that you ever knew and to you this is normal… doesn’t everybody live like this?
This is part of a scenario that happens every day across our country. Parents create environments for their children that are harmful and unsafe. Children are removed from their parents, separating them from the only structure that they ever knew. We then expect these children to act like nothing ever happened. We expect a little crying and sadness, but never the screaming and especially the over the top temper tantrums where the child is cussing at you and everyone around you. Although hitting, kicking, spitting, and biting should be expected, it is often not, and then the children sometimes “connect” with their little assault.
People who care for children need to understand that the onslaught is not a personal attack against you. They are not angry with you. They are really angry with the ones that should have made for them an environment in which they could grow up feeling safe and secure. You are the one that is closest to them and you are the one that is going to receive the brunt of their aggression and anger for all of their hurts, fears, and disappointments that have riddled their young life.
This is what we call their “Lieutenant Dan Moment.” In the movie Forrest Gump when Lieutenant Dan was up on the mask of the ship screaming out at God for all of the injustices that he felt he had received in his life, a shift took place. He was able to get angry and scream from the depth of his soul, ridding himself of all of the pent up garbage that had accumulated and had never been dealt with. The Lieutenant was able to do this with his best friend--someone that was totally non-judgmental and knew that his friend needed to purge himself. After the incident Forrest made this profound statement, “Lieutenant Dan got himself right with God that day.”
Children in care for the most part don’t have the luxury of the Lieutenant Dan moment. If a child acts out and appears to be out of control, they are rushed off to the doctor where they are immediately put on medication to try to eliminate these outbreaks, so there won’t be a disruption in placement. The child’s anger is squelched by keeping him in a drug induced stupor. This does not teach the child how to deal with their anger, it only masks it. The anger is still there.
A child in our care came to a point where he could no longer hold this anger in. He misses his mom, and is angry because she did not take care of him. His feeling of loss and abandonment overwhelmed him and when it got to a point where he could no longer contain it on his own he blew. The other children quickly removed themselves from the area, and I let him vent. When he was done, I went up to him, looking him in the eye and asked, “Do you feel better now?” His reply was, “Yes I do.” I told him “Understand that what you have just done had you removed from your other placements, but you are not going anywhere but here. You have to get the garbage out, to make room for the good things that are waiting for you in life. This is your home, we are going to get through this together.” At that point he grabbed onto me, telling me over and over again “thank you, thank you.”
It is our calling in life as foster care givers to help these children heal. If we are not up for the task, who will be? The only alternative for these children is a group home, juvenile detention center, or the state hospital, where they won’t heal, they’re just housed. Every one of these children at some point in time in their own way will have their ”Lieutenant Dan” moment. Allow them to do that, be ready for it and help them heal. If not you, then who?
Try to feel how angry you would be and how you would want to unleash this anger on everything and everyone around you. These strangers that pulled you out of your house are trying to be sympathetic with you and work through this trauma, but they have a job to do-- keeping you safe, even though you did not know that you were not safe.
Try to understand that this anger that you have has been manifesting within you for years because of the unsafe environment that you were growing up in. The problem is you didn’t realize this environment was unsafe, because this is what you grew up in. This is the only life that you ever knew and to you this is normal… doesn’t everybody live like this?
This is part of a scenario that happens every day across our country. Parents create environments for their children that are harmful and unsafe. Children are removed from their parents, separating them from the only structure that they ever knew. We then expect these children to act like nothing ever happened. We expect a little crying and sadness, but never the screaming and especially the over the top temper tantrums where the child is cussing at you and everyone around you. Although hitting, kicking, spitting, and biting should be expected, it is often not, and then the children sometimes “connect” with their little assault.
People who care for children need to understand that the onslaught is not a personal attack against you. They are not angry with you. They are really angry with the ones that should have made for them an environment in which they could grow up feeling safe and secure. You are the one that is closest to them and you are the one that is going to receive the brunt of their aggression and anger for all of their hurts, fears, and disappointments that have riddled their young life.
This is what we call their “Lieutenant Dan Moment.” In the movie Forrest Gump when Lieutenant Dan was up on the mask of the ship screaming out at God for all of the injustices that he felt he had received in his life, a shift took place. He was able to get angry and scream from the depth of his soul, ridding himself of all of the pent up garbage that had accumulated and had never been dealt with. The Lieutenant was able to do this with his best friend--someone that was totally non-judgmental and knew that his friend needed to purge himself. After the incident Forrest made this profound statement, “Lieutenant Dan got himself right with God that day.”
Children in care for the most part don’t have the luxury of the Lieutenant Dan moment. If a child acts out and appears to be out of control, they are rushed off to the doctor where they are immediately put on medication to try to eliminate these outbreaks, so there won’t be a disruption in placement. The child’s anger is squelched by keeping him in a drug induced stupor. This does not teach the child how to deal with their anger, it only masks it. The anger is still there.
A child in our care came to a point where he could no longer hold this anger in. He misses his mom, and is angry because she did not take care of him. His feeling of loss and abandonment overwhelmed him and when it got to a point where he could no longer contain it on his own he blew. The other children quickly removed themselves from the area, and I let him vent. When he was done, I went up to him, looking him in the eye and asked, “Do you feel better now?” His reply was, “Yes I do.” I told him “Understand that what you have just done had you removed from your other placements, but you are not going anywhere but here. You have to get the garbage out, to make room for the good things that are waiting for you in life. This is your home, we are going to get through this together.” At that point he grabbed onto me, telling me over and over again “thank you, thank you.”
It is our calling in life as foster care givers to help these children heal. If we are not up for the task, who will be? The only alternative for these children is a group home, juvenile detention center, or the state hospital, where they won’t heal, they’re just housed. Every one of these children at some point in time in their own way will have their ”Lieutenant Dan” moment. Allow them to do that, be ready for it and help them heal. If not you, then who?
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Foster Care Isn't a Badge of Honor
After being a foster parent for just a couple of years and continually dragging the children in my care to countless events all set around foster children, I came to the realization that the children in my care didn’t want to be at these events, or have the label of foster child put on them like it was a badge of honor.
The event that stands out most in my mind was a picnic up in Colville where we were told by the person in charge that it was mandatory to be there. My boys threw a fit about going to this outing, telling us that they didn’t want to be there for the whole world to see that they were foster kids. As we rolled up to the park where the event was being held, you could see banners that had been hung up telling us where everyone was meeting. These banners all read “foster children”, telling everyone that wasn’t involved in our group, as well as the people involved, that the children in this group weren’t just children getting together to have a picnic; these children were foster children.
One of my boys refused to get out of the car, his argument being, “I don’t want the label 'foster child' hung on me.” I know that I could’ve made him get out, forced him to enjoy the festivities and made him have fun (yeah, right); but for the most part I was beginning to see that he had a valid point, and I agreed with him. Funny thing happened--one of the social workers that was attending brought their bio-daughter, and she was very pretty. Next thing I know this young man that didn’t want to even get out of the car was standing right next to me. I looked over at him and said, “she is pretty, isn’t she?” “Yes she is,” was all he said.
Children in foster care are often looked down upon as second class citizens. If there is trouble on the bus on the way to school, it has to be the foster children that caused it. Sometimes they do, but it’s not always the case. We had an incident on the school bus where some kids had become disruptive. When the parents were called into school to talk about the problem, the parents of these children immediately tried to transfer blame onto the children in our home. The bus driver immediately stepped up defending the foster children in our home, stating that the foster children on her bus were more polite than any of the other children on her bus and they were not the problem, at least this time.
One of our young men became involved with a group of foster alumni/foster children called Passion For Action. This group, for the most part, gets together to bring about change within the foster care system to benefit children placed in foster care. At one of the meetings this young man was speaking in front of a group of people when he made the proclamation that, in our home, we don’t like the F-word. “Foster care” and being “foster children” is something that we strive to eliminate from who these children are. We all know that it’s always there, but we don’t dwell in the fact that they are caught up in the foster care system or take on the victim’s role of being foster children. It is not their fault that they are in the system, so we all should stop treating them as if they were the poor little foster child, making them sound like a second class citizen. Remember that before they were “foster children” they were simply children.
The event that stands out most in my mind was a picnic up in Colville where we were told by the person in charge that it was mandatory to be there. My boys threw a fit about going to this outing, telling us that they didn’t want to be there for the whole world to see that they were foster kids. As we rolled up to the park where the event was being held, you could see banners that had been hung up telling us where everyone was meeting. These banners all read “foster children”, telling everyone that wasn’t involved in our group, as well as the people involved, that the children in this group weren’t just children getting together to have a picnic; these children were foster children.
One of my boys refused to get out of the car, his argument being, “I don’t want the label 'foster child' hung on me.” I know that I could’ve made him get out, forced him to enjoy the festivities and made him have fun (yeah, right); but for the most part I was beginning to see that he had a valid point, and I agreed with him. Funny thing happened--one of the social workers that was attending brought their bio-daughter, and she was very pretty. Next thing I know this young man that didn’t want to even get out of the car was standing right next to me. I looked over at him and said, “she is pretty, isn’t she?” “Yes she is,” was all he said.
Children in foster care are often looked down upon as second class citizens. If there is trouble on the bus on the way to school, it has to be the foster children that caused it. Sometimes they do, but it’s not always the case. We had an incident on the school bus where some kids had become disruptive. When the parents were called into school to talk about the problem, the parents of these children immediately tried to transfer blame onto the children in our home. The bus driver immediately stepped up defending the foster children in our home, stating that the foster children on her bus were more polite than any of the other children on her bus and they were not the problem, at least this time.
One of our young men became involved with a group of foster alumni/foster children called Passion For Action. This group, for the most part, gets together to bring about change within the foster care system to benefit children placed in foster care. At one of the meetings this young man was speaking in front of a group of people when he made the proclamation that, in our home, we don’t like the F-word. “Foster care” and being “foster children” is something that we strive to eliminate from who these children are. We all know that it’s always there, but we don’t dwell in the fact that they are caught up in the foster care system or take on the victim’s role of being foster children. It is not their fault that they are in the system, so we all should stop treating them as if they were the poor little foster child, making them sound like a second class citizen. Remember that before they were “foster children” they were simply children.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Permanency: What is Best for the Foster Child
There are those people out there that push the idea that every child in foster care wants and deserves a forever home with a family that adopts them into their family; and, from that ideal, the child lives happily ever after. In some instances this may be the case, but in many of the cases where children in foster care have been adopted into a family, it’s not a happily ever after scenario. It’s a scenario where the adopted child has turned the world of the adoptive family upside down, creating an environment of resentment and frustration.
Then you have foster homes that adopt a child and still have foster children in the home. This creates a different problem because now there are two sets of rules in the home--one set of rules for the foster child and another set of rules for the adopted child. With these two sets of rules, supervision becomes problematic. The State requires all foster parents to provide 24/7 supervision for each foster child placed in the home. There aren’t any requirements for an adopted child. The same scenario exists when there are still biological children living in the home.
One case that we dealt with personally was one where the home had adopted children and was still taking in foster children. The adopted children were allowed to run all over the small town that they lived in with little to no supervision. The foster children were given the same supervision as the adopted children and ended up not only getting in trouble with the law, but also creating problems within the family, causing the foster children’s immediate removal. That’s when they came to live with us.
We had another child that came to live with us that was from a failed adoption. He was part of a sibling group and the potential adoptive parents were told by the State that they needed to adopt both of the children to get the one they wanted. This created in the potential adoptive parents a feeling that they were being coerced by the State to do something they didn’t want to do. These parents went ahead with the adoption creating resentment for the unwanted child that continued even after the child came to live with us. Once the child was in our home, the resentment was apparent through the adoptive parents' ever constant interference, not wanting this child to succeed.
In defense of the parents, they were never trained on how to deal with children with attachment issues or early childhood trauma. They were fortunate that the other child was sweet and compliant and didn’t have the same issues as the sibling. These people didn’t want to fail, they just didn’t understand their limitations and how taxing a child with behavioral problems can be. Even the most seasoned parent has times when they feel overwhelmed.
Then you have Guardianship, which sounds like the right thing to do for the person that doesn’t want to adopt, but wants the child to feel like they’re in their permanent home. The one thing that people don’t understand through Guardianship is that the state is still involved to a certain extent, but the Guardian has all of the liability. Whatever happens while the child is living in the home of the Guardian becomes the responsibility of the Guardian, and relieves the State of all responsibility.
Does a child need permanency? Absolutely! Permanency comes when the child knows that their home is one in which the Foster/Guardian/Adoptive parent does not give up on the child. Your family needs to determine which route is best for your situation. Do the research, do not allow anyone or any agency to guilt you into doing something you do not want or are unsure of doing. Doing what you feel is best for your family will most likely be what is best for the child.
Then you have foster homes that adopt a child and still have foster children in the home. This creates a different problem because now there are two sets of rules in the home--one set of rules for the foster child and another set of rules for the adopted child. With these two sets of rules, supervision becomes problematic. The State requires all foster parents to provide 24/7 supervision for each foster child placed in the home. There aren’t any requirements for an adopted child. The same scenario exists when there are still biological children living in the home.
One case that we dealt with personally was one where the home had adopted children and was still taking in foster children. The adopted children were allowed to run all over the small town that they lived in with little to no supervision. The foster children were given the same supervision as the adopted children and ended up not only getting in trouble with the law, but also creating problems within the family, causing the foster children’s immediate removal. That’s when they came to live with us.
We had another child that came to live with us that was from a failed adoption. He was part of a sibling group and the potential adoptive parents were told by the State that they needed to adopt both of the children to get the one they wanted. This created in the potential adoptive parents a feeling that they were being coerced by the State to do something they didn’t want to do. These parents went ahead with the adoption creating resentment for the unwanted child that continued even after the child came to live with us. Once the child was in our home, the resentment was apparent through the adoptive parents' ever constant interference, not wanting this child to succeed.
In defense of the parents, they were never trained on how to deal with children with attachment issues or early childhood trauma. They were fortunate that the other child was sweet and compliant and didn’t have the same issues as the sibling. These people didn’t want to fail, they just didn’t understand their limitations and how taxing a child with behavioral problems can be. Even the most seasoned parent has times when they feel overwhelmed.
Then you have Guardianship, which sounds like the right thing to do for the person that doesn’t want to adopt, but wants the child to feel like they’re in their permanent home. The one thing that people don’t understand through Guardianship is that the state is still involved to a certain extent, but the Guardian has all of the liability. Whatever happens while the child is living in the home of the Guardian becomes the responsibility of the Guardian, and relieves the State of all responsibility.
Does a child need permanency? Absolutely! Permanency comes when the child knows that their home is one in which the Foster/Guardian/Adoptive parent does not give up on the child. Your family needs to determine which route is best for your situation. Do the research, do not allow anyone or any agency to guilt you into doing something you do not want or are unsure of doing. Doing what you feel is best for your family will most likely be what is best for the child.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
You Gave Me Up: "Home" for the Foster Child
When I came to live with you I was told that this was my home. You showed me my room and told me that this was mine, and that I could even hang up my posters and make it feel like it was really my own. You introduced me to your friends and told them that I was your new son; that I would be living with you and become part of your family.
You introduced me to your church family, relatives, and your friends and neighbor; I was really feeling like I was somewhere I could belong. This was going to be my permanent home. This would be the home that I would grow up in, you promised.
I know that I was bringing with me baggage that I had acquired through my early years. All of the placements prior to me coming to live with you, I had blown out of. I know that you had read all of the stuff that had been written about me. My whole life was an open book for you, and everyone else that had anything to do with me. You knew that my behaviors were considered to be extreme, and that’s why I had to leave my last placement, but your home was going to be different, you told me so.
So why is it that now you’re telling me that I can no longer live with you and that I’m being moved to a home that works with kids like me, and understands my behaviors? Isn’t that what you told me when I came to live with you, that you understood what I had been through and that you would help me work with my behaviors? You even told me to call you “Dad,” and that I was your son, are you no longer my dad, and I’m no longer your son? I know that I need help, please don’t throw me away, I’ll try harder, please don’t throw me away.
You introduced me to your church family, relatives, and your friends and neighbor; I was really feeling like I was somewhere I could belong. This was going to be my permanent home. This would be the home that I would grow up in, you promised.
I know that I was bringing with me baggage that I had acquired through my early years. All of the placements prior to me coming to live with you, I had blown out of. I know that you had read all of the stuff that had been written about me. My whole life was an open book for you, and everyone else that had anything to do with me. You knew that my behaviors were considered to be extreme, and that’s why I had to leave my last placement, but your home was going to be different, you told me so.
So why is it that now you’re telling me that I can no longer live with you and that I’m being moved to a home that works with kids like me, and understands my behaviors? Isn’t that what you told me when I came to live with you, that you understood what I had been through and that you would help me work with my behaviors? You even told me to call you “Dad,” and that I was your son, are you no longer my dad, and I’m no longer your son? I know that I need help, please don’t throw me away, I’ll try harder, please don’t throw me away.
~
So often this is the scenario that foster children go through. The reality of rejection and being tossed around like an unwanted puppy is the world these children live in, and have to learn to cope through. Some do well enough to get by, others fall through the cracks and end up going from foster care to our penal systems.
The foster child in most cases lives in a world of uncertainty. Even when they find themselves placed in a home that is conducive to their healing and well being. The governmental agency that is in charge of them often times makes changes not based on what’s best for the child, but what looks best for the immediate bottom line.
All children, especially foster children, need to have an environment that is stable, safe, and unchanging. The child needs to be able to rely on the fact that their home isn’t going to be jerked out from under them at any given moment by those that aren’t looking at the long term ramifications of destroying a child’s life by the constant turmoil of indecision.
When deciding whether to become a foster parent, you must keep in mind that it is a long-term decision. We cannot play with the lives of these children, thinking that we can simply “give them back” if it does not work out. If you are considering becoming a foster parent, make sure you are ready to commit to these foster children and give them a chance at finding stability and success for their future.
So often this is the scenario that foster children go through. The reality of rejection and being tossed around like an unwanted puppy is the world these children live in, and have to learn to cope through. Some do well enough to get by, others fall through the cracks and end up going from foster care to our penal systems.
The foster child in most cases lives in a world of uncertainty. Even when they find themselves placed in a home that is conducive to their healing and well being. The governmental agency that is in charge of them often times makes changes not based on what’s best for the child, but what looks best for the immediate bottom line.
All children, especially foster children, need to have an environment that is stable, safe, and unchanging. The child needs to be able to rely on the fact that their home isn’t going to be jerked out from under them at any given moment by those that aren’t looking at the long term ramifications of destroying a child’s life by the constant turmoil of indecision.
When deciding whether to become a foster parent, you must keep in mind that it is a long-term decision. We cannot play with the lives of these children, thinking that we can simply “give them back” if it does not work out. If you are considering becoming a foster parent, make sure you are ready to commit to these foster children and give them a chance at finding stability and success for their future.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Do You Really Love Me?: Parents and Children in Foster Care
More often than not, when a child in our care has come home from a visit with their biological mother or father the world around the child has become convoluted and full of uncertainty. Those that are supposed to protect them from harm have been the ones that have harmed them the most. Even though the child is no longer in their care, they continue to perpetrate through their actions, behaviors and empty promises.
A child we had in our home would be allowed weekly visits with his mother, then come home from the visit to make our lives a living hell. Keeping documentation of these visits and everything that transpired on the visit and the child’s actions and reactions after each visit is vital. Through the documentation we were able to show the court a pattern that was occurring each time the parent had access to the child. It was determined that his mother was the trigger that caused him to demonstrate antisocial behaviors at home as well as in the school setting.
This documentation gave us what was needed to demonstrate to the court how this child’s behavior would escalate out of control, causing a set-back in not only behavior but in academics and social responses. Don’t misunderstand me, visits are vital to the health and welfare of the child, but those visits must be beneficial to the child, not cause them to spiral every time they happen. Taking away the visits removed one of the major triggers that caused overt behavior.
Now comes the hard part where the foster parent has to make the child understand that their behaviors also contributed to the decision being made concerning the removal of visitation. The younger the child the harder this can be. How this topic is breached needs to be age appropriate, and handled in a firm but sensitive way.
Understand that your goal should be to build a firm foundation under the child so that when the time comes for them to re-establish a relationship with not only their biological mother and father, but also their biological relatives, they can be strong. As the child gets older, they need to have the ability to determine how much access the bio-family has in their life, and the lives of their own future children.
One of the concepts that we try to get across to the children in our home (if a visit didn’t go well) is that their parents don’t have the capacity to parent at this time, and that we should never expect someone to be able to do what they’re incapable of doing.
I had one boy tell me that his mother kept telling him over and over again that she loved him. He told me, “She says that, but she doesn’t really mean it, she doesn’t love me enough to change her life, do the right thing, get the help she needs so that we can be a family again.”
Reunification between child and biological parent, although a primary goal, can be a slippery slope for some, creating difficulties for the child in care and anxiety for the caregiver. And although I would like to see every child reunified with their parents, reality dictates that the chances of that happening are slim to none.
Children at some point will have to go back to their biological parents and come to grips with the reality of their childhood. The foster parent needs to help facilitate this by helping the child become strong enough to understand why their circumstances were what they were and honor their parents for being their parents.
A child we had in our home would be allowed weekly visits with his mother, then come home from the visit to make our lives a living hell. Keeping documentation of these visits and everything that transpired on the visit and the child’s actions and reactions after each visit is vital. Through the documentation we were able to show the court a pattern that was occurring each time the parent had access to the child. It was determined that his mother was the trigger that caused him to demonstrate antisocial behaviors at home as well as in the school setting.
This documentation gave us what was needed to demonstrate to the court how this child’s behavior would escalate out of control, causing a set-back in not only behavior but in academics and social responses. Don’t misunderstand me, visits are vital to the health and welfare of the child, but those visits must be beneficial to the child, not cause them to spiral every time they happen. Taking away the visits removed one of the major triggers that caused overt behavior.
Now comes the hard part where the foster parent has to make the child understand that their behaviors also contributed to the decision being made concerning the removal of visitation. The younger the child the harder this can be. How this topic is breached needs to be age appropriate, and handled in a firm but sensitive way.
Understand that your goal should be to build a firm foundation under the child so that when the time comes for them to re-establish a relationship with not only their biological mother and father, but also their biological relatives, they can be strong. As the child gets older, they need to have the ability to determine how much access the bio-family has in their life, and the lives of their own future children.
One of the concepts that we try to get across to the children in our home (if a visit didn’t go well) is that their parents don’t have the capacity to parent at this time, and that we should never expect someone to be able to do what they’re incapable of doing.
I had one boy tell me that his mother kept telling him over and over again that she loved him. He told me, “She says that, but she doesn’t really mean it, she doesn’t love me enough to change her life, do the right thing, get the help she needs so that we can be a family again.”
Reunification between child and biological parent, although a primary goal, can be a slippery slope for some, creating difficulties for the child in care and anxiety for the caregiver. And although I would like to see every child reunified with their parents, reality dictates that the chances of that happening are slim to none.
Children at some point will have to go back to their biological parents and come to grips with the reality of their childhood. The foster parent needs to help facilitate this by helping the child become strong enough to understand why their circumstances were what they were and honor their parents for being their parents.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
The Blowups That Lose Placement For The Foster Child
During the holidays I received a call from a social worker begging me to take placement of a child that day. We had already agreed on taking this child after the holidays because of his acting out, and the severity of the tantrums he would throw. We had family visiting from out of town, and we didn’t want them to be subject to the extreme type of behaviors this particular child had been presenting.
I agreed to have the social worker drive him down to our home thinking that it should be ok. There is typically a honeymoon period in which each child that is placed will try to act their best and maintain a higher level of control. It did work out in this case; the child didn’t act out while the family was here, but the day after they left, all hell broke loose.
We were getting ready to take the children to youth group and this child decided that he was going to show us what a real temper tantrum looked like. Nancy proceeded to take the other children on to youth group, and I prepared myself to throw a temper tantrum right along with this young man. In order to throw a temper tantrum that is going to be effective, the adult throwing the temper tantrum has to be in complete control of their emotions. This is an opportunity to teach, and you cannot be effective if you become angry and out of control yourself.
The entire ordeal lasted about fifteen minutes, until the child exclaimed to me, “I don’t like being yelled at and talked to like that.” “Well”, I said,” If you don’t want to be talked to in this manner, then you need to talk to me, and everyone else, in this manner...” at which time my voice got very soft and low, “this is how people talk to one another.” At that point he balled up into a fetal position and I pulled him up into my arms and rocked him to sleep. When he was asleep I put him under his covers, tucked him in and left him alone until the following morning. If you’re going to rock a twelve year old, I recommend eating your Wheaties in the morning.
For this particular child, this was the first and last temper tantrum that he ever threw while he lived with us. He learned through that experience that he was not going to be the one in control. He had come to live in a parent run home, not a home run by the behaviors of a child.
When working with traumatized children, it’s not if they blowout and have their tantrums, it’s when. The caregiver cannot at any time believe that this isn’t going to happen. The caregiver needs to prepare himself or herself both mentally and physically in order for the child to heal and learn appropriate behaviors when these blowouts occur.
Part of the child’s healing will be that blowout. He should able to take all of that anger and pent up hostility and vent it out without fear of being removed from the home. The caregivers should be prepared and properly trained so that they are able to handle these situations and so the child is not automatically placed in a psych ward or removed from the home.
In the movie Forrest Gump, Lieutenant Dan climbed up into the crow’s nest aboard their shrimping boat and cried out in anger, ranting and raging, letting all his frustrations that had built up and manifested to a point of boiling over, come out. In his case he was in an environment where he could vent out without reprisal. In the case with a lot of our children in foster care, when they vent out like this, they find themselves in a lock down mental institution.
I had a young man just recently have a blowout and there was a venting of built up hurts and frustrations that flowed out. When it was all over I asked him how he felt. He told me that he felt so much better. Forrest Gump ended that scene by making the statement that he believed Lieutenant Dan had made peace not only with those that he thought had let him down, but also with himself. It is often the same with the children in our care. Our training in these situations could be the difference between a child losing placement, or them getting the chance to make a bit of peace with their circumstances.
I agreed to have the social worker drive him down to our home thinking that it should be ok. There is typically a honeymoon period in which each child that is placed will try to act their best and maintain a higher level of control. It did work out in this case; the child didn’t act out while the family was here, but the day after they left, all hell broke loose.
We were getting ready to take the children to youth group and this child decided that he was going to show us what a real temper tantrum looked like. Nancy proceeded to take the other children on to youth group, and I prepared myself to throw a temper tantrum right along with this young man. In order to throw a temper tantrum that is going to be effective, the adult throwing the temper tantrum has to be in complete control of their emotions. This is an opportunity to teach, and you cannot be effective if you become angry and out of control yourself.
The entire ordeal lasted about fifteen minutes, until the child exclaimed to me, “I don’t like being yelled at and talked to like that.” “Well”, I said,” If you don’t want to be talked to in this manner, then you need to talk to me, and everyone else, in this manner...” at which time my voice got very soft and low, “this is how people talk to one another.” At that point he balled up into a fetal position and I pulled him up into my arms and rocked him to sleep. When he was asleep I put him under his covers, tucked him in and left him alone until the following morning. If you’re going to rock a twelve year old, I recommend eating your Wheaties in the morning.
For this particular child, this was the first and last temper tantrum that he ever threw while he lived with us. He learned through that experience that he was not going to be the one in control. He had come to live in a parent run home, not a home run by the behaviors of a child.
When working with traumatized children, it’s not if they blowout and have their tantrums, it’s when. The caregiver cannot at any time believe that this isn’t going to happen. The caregiver needs to prepare himself or herself both mentally and physically in order for the child to heal and learn appropriate behaviors when these blowouts occur.
Part of the child’s healing will be that blowout. He should able to take all of that anger and pent up hostility and vent it out without fear of being removed from the home. The caregivers should be prepared and properly trained so that they are able to handle these situations and so the child is not automatically placed in a psych ward or removed from the home.
In the movie Forrest Gump, Lieutenant Dan climbed up into the crow’s nest aboard their shrimping boat and cried out in anger, ranting and raging, letting all his frustrations that had built up and manifested to a point of boiling over, come out. In his case he was in an environment where he could vent out without reprisal. In the case with a lot of our children in foster care, when they vent out like this, they find themselves in a lock down mental institution.
I had a young man just recently have a blowout and there was a venting of built up hurts and frustrations that flowed out. When it was all over I asked him how he felt. He told me that he felt so much better. Forrest Gump ended that scene by making the statement that he believed Lieutenant Dan had made peace not only with those that he thought had let him down, but also with himself. It is often the same with the children in our care. Our training in these situations could be the difference between a child losing placement, or them getting the chance to make a bit of peace with their circumstances.
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