Being loud doesn’t always mean you’re right. Having been brought up in a home where expressing anger was the norm in order to manipulate others into doing what was wanted, I learned over time that this type of parenting only masked the behaviors. More often than not, yelling never initiated change or cultivated a relationship where open communication between parent and child could flourish.
The parenting style of your childhood environment creates the tendency to transfer that style of child rearing onto the next generation, be it good or bad. A conscious effort has to be made to create a parenting style that is more conducive to teaching the child to correct the behavior rather than just stop the behavior momentarily.
In the 1980’s, a video series, “Turn Your Heart Toward Home,” put out by James Dobson PHD., through Focus on the Family, illustrated different techniques of parenting. He developed a technique that not only taught the parent how to parent but he stressed a “parent-run" home through strong, loving discipline and building long lasting relationships between parent and child.
In our home we initiated a rule that our children could say anything they wanted to say, as long as they spoke with respect. This opened up a huge avenue for communication, as well as the opportunity to teach, or be taught. Each child was able to express themselves, knowing that what they had to say was important, and there would be no repercussions as long as they presented their argument in a respectful manner.
Using this approach the parent has to be willing to listen intently at everything the child is saying, allowing the child the opportunity to learn how to express what’s on their heart in a controlled, secure environment. This approach has tremendous benefits as the child comes into adulthood having learned the ability to communicate in a manner that is positive and non-abrasive.
I must also include a warning. Using this technique, the parent may possibly find that they had been wrong in the way they approached a given circumstance. I have found myself in a position at times where I needed to apologize and make right the bad decisions made in the heat of the circumstance.
This approach was introduced to my own biological children who had the grace to allow their father the chance to learn the process. It is incredible how much I have learned from them. It thrills me to be able to stand back and watch how they parent, and their ability to work and communicate with their children. This far surpasses what I had envisioned.
Although much harder to accomplish, and with more obstacles to overcome, we have used this same approach with our foster children. The biggest obstacle is getting the child just to open up and talk. Once they do feel secure enough to talk openly, the “respect” aspect needs to be strongly enforced.
Remember that when the child is presenting their side of the story, the child is giving you the parent, an opportunity to teach. Make sure that you’re respectful of the child and their feelings at all times. If the child starts becoming disrespectful, stop them immediately. Tell them that what they have to say is very important, but the abrasiveness of their presentation is making it hard to listen to the content. See if the child can de-escalate, and proceed on, or if they need a little time to gather themselves so that they can proceed respectfully.
Continue on until there is a resolve to the issue. Once a child has presented their story, I will ask the child if they feel that they could have handled whatever situation it was, better. Handling it this way, the child feels that they have a little bit of a say in what goes on in their life. Don’t become discouraged, this type of communication is going to be foreign for the foster child. It’s foreign for most biological children. The outcome of perseverance in this type of communication can open the door to effective communication in the child's adult years.
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